Today we ride the roller coaster of the mind.

Before this ride is over, we will run the gauntlet of human emotions. You will be left with a wrung-out feeling, as if your entire being had been tossed like a salad.

You will more than likely vomit. Cover your mouth and we shall begin.

There are moments in life we’d rather leave in the spare room of our brain, to be forgotten like dental appointments. These are our moments of weakness, our episodes of fear and our encounters with reality.

These moments are called Garbage Time, because they scare the garbage out of us. They make you afraid to sleep, because an elephant may let himself into your bedroom and suffocate you with a housewife.

Not long ago, I had such a bout with Garbage Time. I was lucky—my experience lasted just one day. But it was one day I won’t forget as long as Bob Hope shall live.

I remember the day distinctly, like it was yesterday. Maybe the day before Saturday. Anyway, the date sticks in my mind forever—July 14. Or was it the 15th? No matter. One thing remains clear, even after all this time—it was definitely the middle of July.

I woke up screaming, my body soaked to the skin. At first I thought I was having a nightmare. Then I realized my sister had thrown a bucket of scalding hot water on me just to be funny.

As I fell out of bed, thunder rolled in the distance. Lightning flashed soon after. One thought filled my mind: “It’s going to rain.”

Without warning, an unseen pressure began to build up around me. The weight of a thousand responsibilities seemed to fall on my shoulders and kneecaps. I realized I had absolutely nothing to do.

My family had left for the day. I was alone—never in my life did I feel so helpless. Not only had I lost my loved ones at a time of great emotional need, but we were also out of Cheerios.

I decided to try to occupy my feverish mind by watching TV. I calmly sat down in front of the set, propped up my feet and pushed the power button. But it just didn’t work. After 25 minutes had passed, I looked behind the set and realized it wasn’t plugged in.

My options were running out. My tortured mind began to reel. I had to think of something—and fast. I needed a release from the hectic pace of the day. So I ran for the basement to play Ping Pong.

After tumbling down the stairs like a Slinky, I selected a blue paddle and a yellow ball. I stepped up to the table, took a deep breath and served. I then went upstairs, exhausted.

Food—I needed food. Although I had never had any survivalist training, I managed to fire up our electrical stove to cook some nice bacon and eggs. To this I added some hot buttered toast and fresh California fruits.

No, no. Raisins and grapes.

When I had finished preparing my feast, I began to feel as if the day would start going my way. I thought a hearty meal was all I needed to help me cope with the strain, and that the hectic pace of the morning would slow down.

But these optimistic thoughts died a quick death. I gathered together my goodies onto a serving tray and skipped happily towards the dining room—then tripped on a dead bug and watched my bountious feast dance across the floor.

I was so depressed I stretched out right there on the floor and caught about four hours of desperately needed sleep. But once again, I woke up to the sound of my own screams. I had these dang leg cramps, you see.

The day continued its relentless progression. I could feel myself wearing down. I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I crawled to my bedroom and dove into a richly deserved sleep.

Yes, I made it through this nightmare. I share my harrowing tale with you today because in the next two weeks, we will all feel the Garbage Time coming on. Some of you may call it Exam Week.

Wait, wait, wait. It’s Friday. Let’s all head home, see what the Easter Bunny brought us. We can worry about the rest later.