Tis’ the season to swallow your pride and yell your frustrations into a bowl of mashed potatoes. Drown your sorrows in a gravy boat and pack in the feelings like hot leftovers because it’s the holidays and family discussions are going to get real personal, real fast.

“So, how’s school?”

*immediately starts convulsing and foaming at the mouth.*

“Have you found a real job yet?”

Apparently, they don’t consider the university bookstore or a student teaching position accredited options.

“Are you dating anyone?”

No, I chose to show up here alone and frigidly distant and leave my significant other in the car all night. Get a clue, Grandma, there’s no one getting up on this anytime soon.

 

In my family, these and many more penetrating questions are unavoidable, and I imagine many of you have faced the same challenges. Here are some tricks I use to keep my sanity and have a little delicious, comedic revenge.

Lie

If you give them false information, any commentary they have on the subject won’t carry any weight. Case in point: haven’t found a job yet and embarrassed about being unemployed? Say you got a sweet open mic gig at a local dive bar doing stand-up. Sure, they may dig on comedians having no sustainable careers and being scummy comedy crap, but at least they aren’t criticizing your real dreams, just your fake ones.

Do the Dishes

No one ridicules the person who voluntarily cleans up the kitchen, unless your family is a demonic cult feasting off the blood of the innocent. If they insist onward, I recommend using the dirty dishes as a physical shield, or perhaps a propellant of sorts. Better yet, construct a makeshift catapult and begin to launch stray green beans at their faces.  

Stuff Your Face

Questions are really hard to answer when your mouth is full of crescent rolls and cranberry sauce. While there are many holiday dishes I don’t enjoy, like my grandmother’s turkey gravy and rice pilaf; I do enjoy the simple, silent bliss after a question is asked and my mouth is too full to answer.

Bottom line: their questions are only as deep as the bread basket, and you shouldn’t take anything to heart. Their your family; it’s their job to make you uncomfortable.