Nothing sends a wave of panic down a germophobe’s spine quite like friends, classmates and roommates falling victim to the latest virus making its way around campus. The persistent sickness that seems to pop up at the beginning of every school year is enough to make some want to don a biohazard mask and hazmat suit just to go to class.

As a lifelong germophobe, I’ve been perfecting my anti-contamination strategies for years. I’m here to share my top five tips for surviving airborne coughs, uncovered sneezes and general contagion as far as the eye can see (or as I like to call it, the germpocalypse). Of course, the only sure-fire way to avoid all contact with germs is to lay curled up in the fetal position on the floor of your shower for the rest of your life. However, this is a good guide to avoiding the plague when you have to face the outside world and go about your day like a normal person.

Wash your hands. FREQUENTLY.

Whenever you eat. Whenever you’re preparing food. Between classes. Whenever you just have an extra few minutes. Whenever you think about it. Whenever you’re not already applying hand sanitizer. (Bonus tip: Smart germophobes use sanitizer with benzethonium chloride. It kills the norovirus, dudes. Score.)

Don’t touch your face.

Your hands are where germs are. Your face is where germs get into you. So if you haven’t literally JUST washed your hands, don’t touch your face. Wear a pantyhose over your head if you must. This tip might actually help your skin, too. Feel free to thank me whenever.

Actually, don’t touch ANYTHING.

Open doors with your sleeve. Pick things up with your wrists and elbows. Invest in a robot arm to do all of your touching for you. ANYTHING. Trust me, it’s been a long time since that classroom doorknob got a thorough cleaning by janitorial staff. Why take the risk?

Be passive aggressive towards anyone who doesn’t follow your strict germophobe regimen.

The kid that sits next to you in German class who doesn’t cover his mouth when he sneezes? Pull your books away from him to the far side of your desk. Someone hacking their lungs out next to you in the lunch line? Dramatically turn your face away and cover your food with your arms. Someone leaves the bathroom without giving their hands a full minute-long scrub down? Side-eye them like they stole your boyfriend. This won’t keep you from getting sick, but it’s very therapeutic somehow.

Lysol and Clorox like your life depends on it.

Sometimes it’s okay to let your inner crazy take over and give your entire apartment a full hose-down with chemical cleaners. The goal is to have so many spray bottles and cans laying around when your mother visits, she becomes slightly concerned about you. But hey, it’s the price you pay for a germ-free, lemon scented living space, and a flu season free of the flu.

Now get out there, stay healthy, and don’t forget your gas masks. I believe in you.