Under the collar, cross, through the loop. Oh, hello there. I was just explaining to my good friend, Mr. Jared Leto, how to tie, well, me — a red bow tie. If you’re interested, I’d like you to join me on a journey to the Academy Award show.

I’ve never been to an award show before, but Jared promised me he’d treat me like his beautiful ombré hair. My goodness, the standards he holds.

OK, we’re now approaching the red carpet in a fancy stretch limo. I’m sweating like crazy. Wait, that’s Jared. Did Jennifer Lawrence just fall out of that limo? Well, I guess we’re doing all right.

Someone just opened the door, and the lights are flashing like crazy.

Is that Kevin Spacey? It’s so weird seeing Frank Underwood take a selfie. Jared, you’re not in that picture. What are you doing? Oh, it’s a photobomb! Jared, run! That was hilarious. We’ve done enough posing, let’s step inside the Dolby Theatre.

Ellen DeGeneres looks incredible in her shiny, sparkling tuxedo jacket, and I’m nervous her cravat might steal the show. Tensions are running high, and knots are pulling tighter as I glare at this pathetic flop of neckwear. I digress.

I really hope Jared wins Best Supporting Actor. He was incredible in “Dallas Buyers Club.”

“And the Oscar goes to … Jared Leto.” Sweet Jesus, we did it. I remember when I was once a small thread in this cut-throat (pun intended) world of the fashion industry. But, this isn’t my time to shine … damn it, Ellen.

Jared is giving his beautiful, heartfelt acceptance speech. He is a man that speaks poetically about his mother, brother and the struggles going on around the world, and I’m lucky to have my arms around one classy guy.

After Jared wins the Oscar, I fall asleep for about an hour; however, I wake up to the smell of fresh cheese pizza. Pizza? This is the Academy Awards. What has Ellen’s cravat convinced her of now? Ellen offers Jared a slice as millions watch. Jared doesn’t know what to do. I mean, who would? “Frozen” stiff, I whisper “Give the pizza to your mom.” So naturally, we hand the pizza to his grateful mother.

Later, I hear Ellen say Jared’s name, and he starts running to another selfie. I see Spacey in the back of the group.

“Jared, are you sure this is a good idea? He throws people in front of trains.” But he doesn’t listen. As Bradley Cooper stretched his arms to take the selfie, I instantly knew the circumference would cut out Academy Award-winner Jared Leto, and most importantly his dashing sidekick, myself.

This was an Academy Award show of victory, defeat, laughter and tears/neck sweat. This will knot be my last Academy Award show appearance.