The Breakup Breakdown: Ben Gibbard and Zooey Deschanel

The+Breakup+Breakdown%3A+Ben+Gibbard+and+Zooey+Deschanel

Sarah Contreras

News broke Wednesday that indie music’s most adorable couple, Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard, have opted for a divorce. Upon hearing this, you may have been shocked. You may have shed a tear. You may have decided you are never going to believe in love again because if they can’t make it, who on Gaia’s green earth can?!

How sad for both of them, to lose their loves to the demands of touring and celebrity lifestyle. They were so perfect for each other, am I right? Wrong.

Listen: Though we all want to project our own ideas of fate and romance onto celebrities, it is important that we acknowledge that not all breakups are bad things. What is the old adage? “When one door closes, another one opens.” I think society at large should be happy that Ben and Zooey are adult enough to call a spade a spade and move on. Really, it is just opening up a world of possibilities for each of them. If you’re still having trouble accepting the news, you happen to be in the right place. I’ve compiled a list of the positive effects this separation will have for both Ms. Deschanel and Mr. Gibbard.

Ben Gibbard:

  • Because you’re alone again, you will now be able to make better, mopier music, thus earning back your title of Music’s Most Loved Sad Sap. Remember when you were nominated for a Grammy? Get back to crisis mode!
  • The world is waiting for your novel, memoir or book of poetry. Make it happen.
  • I’m thinking the only reason you kept that atrocious haircut was for Zooey. Well, take a few inches off and go back to being all bangs and dorkiness.
  • Also: you can put your glasses back on.
  • The lack of marriage responsibilities leaves more time for fun “sober guy” things. Like running another marathon or learning to whittle.  As fun as being all domestic and chill is, I bet you life was much more interesting when you was a complicated genius trying to work out your emotional issues.
  • How fun was it living with a vegan who was also allergic to gluten and a bunch of other stuff? I mean, now you get to keep jugs of heavy cream in the fridge free of judgment!
  • Your wedding band can be melted down into a badass memorial guitar pick.
  • No more assuring someone that the sundress they are wearing isn’t “too adorable” for the world to handle.
  • You can tap into a seemingly endless stream of women who want to date you, starting with the DeKalb Scene’s own Sarah Contreras and Aurora Schnorr.

 

Zooey Deschanel:

  • Life can imitate art: Move in with three fun guys, charm them all and watch Dirty Dancing on repeat, a la New Girl. Sounds like the good life to me!
  • All that ice on your finger must have hindered your Ukulele playing a bit. Let those lighter phalanges fly.
  • One large diamond ring can be fixed to equal two diamond earrings.
  • You now have time to launch the ZD Cutie Pie clothing line. We’ve been waiting.
  • Two words: M. Ward.
  • Three better words: Joseph Gordon Levitt.
  • Darling, in every relationship there is a reacher and a settler. Guess which one you were?
  • As talented as he is, I bet you Ben was much more interesting when he was a complicated genius trying to work out his emotional issues. Did you hear Codes and Keys? Stable and clear-headed is never any fun!
  • You no longer have to listen to someone wax poetic about “an open door” while wearing flannel. He used the line in “Long Division” and then again in “My Mirror Speaks, and then AGAIN in “Meet Me on the Equinox.” I’m all for motifs but come on.
  • Just as Ben can now embrace his dairy, you can now feel no shame in opening a bottle of wine and calling it dinner. What did you guys do on Thursday nights, anyways?