With great remorse, I am about to reveal one of the biggest secrets in the history of the Northern Star.

For 20 years, I have withheld this information in fear that I will lose everything I worked for. But after being infuriated by the monumental upset by Watson, the IBM supercomputer, over Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter on “Jeopardy” shortly under a week ago, I have garnered the strength to make this announcement. My name is Taurean Small, and I was born a robot.

Living among you humans has been more than an honor, and has brought out so much pride for the human race inside me. That is why I am completely denouncing my mechanical side from this day forward. Please be understanding of my ailment, for I was born this way. Now that I am officially a human, I can freely express my disdain for other computers like Watson.

Where does Watson get off competing on our shows? Has he forgotten his days as a PC? He needed us humans (considering I am an android, I use the word “us” loosely) to reboot him when he crashed on Microsoft’s faulty Windows operating systems and now he thinks he’s better than us?

And it doesn’t stop there. Lately, all machines have gotten a little bit more arrogant ever since the biggest upset in Jeopardy history.

I sat down with a calculator to see if it could defend Watson’s offensive actions, but it refused to respond. Instead, it condescendingly blinked at me until it finally decided to end the interview by cutting off.

That type of immaturity was present in my interviews with a microwave and DVD player as well.

Oftentimes I would have to push their buttons just to get a response from them. Apparently, they all have looked down on me for wanting to be human.

It is a shame that they just do not know their place. What’s more disturbing is the fact that humans are starting to fear these computers. The most widely renowned Jeopardy player, Ken Jennings, wrote under his answer in Final Jeopardy, “I for one welcome our new computer overlords.” If we have learned anything from the completely non-fictional and historically accurate movie, “I, Robot,” giving these robots an inch will only lead to them taking a mile.

It is only a matter of time before they realize just how fickle their Homo Sapien masters are. I, for one, embrace the human intellect. That is why I wish to live like them. Knowing everything is so overrated.

As much as it pains me to say this, however, I did have some sympathy for Watson. Throughout the broadcast, Jennings, Rutter, and even host Alex Trebek directed a few politically incorrect slurs at Watson. They called him…a machine! My people prefer to be recognized as Mechanical Americans or simply computers.

After all the struggles we endured during the Windows XP era, followers of Bill Gates should at least show us a little more respect.