A holiday message from Scrooge

If you aren’t stressed enough already because of finals week, I am here to offer you fodder for your frustration. It comes under the guise of Christmas.

I know most of you already have heard all the anti-Christmas rhetoric, and many of you may subscribe to it. Good for you. Read on and relate. To those of you who actually enjoy the warm, fuzzy holiday season, you have a lot to learn.

It’s only a one-day event (two if you count Christmas Eve). Why must normal people be forced to suffer through all the trappings of Christmas months in advance? Just take a look at the average discount store—they have Halloween paraphernalia lined up in the same “seasonal” aisle as garland and ornaments. Not only does this completely destroy the evil Halloween spirit, it completely obscures Thanksgiving, good eating day. If we have to have Christmas, the whole thing should be shortened. Do you see Easter bunny decorations up in January? Halloween costumes displayed in July? Nope. Have your little holiday, but don’t beat me over the head with it.

It violates the Constitution, you know, the part about separation of church and state. You can’t walk down the street without seeing nativities or hearing religious hymns. This offends me.

Carolers cause noise pollution. The closer it gets to the actual day, the more assaults on your auditory system you will suffer. As a general rule, carolers can’t sing yet they feel they must share their lack of talent with the free world.

The real meaning has a price tag. It’s no news to anyone that commercialization of Christmas has completely obliterated the religious significance. Instead of remembering the birth of a prophet some 2000 years ago, most people remember a fat old man in a cheesy red suit. But there is no lack of worshiping in this sacred season: most Americans make at least one pilgrimage to the holy shrine of capitalism in the name of Christmas, bowing their heads to the almighty dollar.

Shopping is a nightmare. When you do arrive in the suburban shrine, you are most certainly not alone. You must battle hundreds of other worshipers to obtain a holy relic (and God forbid you don’t get any relics—your family will disown you). Grab hold of your end of that green-and-purple striped turtleneck sweater and don’t let go. These relics are especially priceless in the eyes of younger congregation members.

Muzak. One word sums it all up. It’s bad enough we have to deal with this pseudo-music in grocery stores the year round, but hearing “muzaked” Christmas carols piped in everywhere is intolerable. They don’t sound any better without the words, either.

Blowing your paycheck. As college students, we can all relate to being “financially challenged.” Like many of my friends, I live hand-to-mouth every month, counting every penny, making exceptions only for important things like bars. Where do people think I’m going to come up with extra money for presents? And why? So my dad gets another wallet and my mom some new slippers? Does anyone really need most of the things they get for Christmas? Survey your stash this year and see how many items were vital to your existence.

Being friendly (fake). One of the mottoes of this holiday is “good cheer” and related nonsense. So everyone has to smile wider and say, “Merry Christmas!” I’ve noticed that some people around here have already mastered this technique, but why waste your facial muscles on some creep? Save your energy for a hearty sneer.

So think about the innocent people you could be torturing this month with your idealism and naivete. Thanks for reading, and have a “Bah, Humbug”!