Dear moviegoer,

Listen, I know your life is pretty busy. You’ve got work, family, friends and a bunch of other stuff going on. So I understand you wanting to go to the movies to relax. But I don’t think you realize you’re not the only one in the theater.

Every time I go to a movie, someone like you is there. It might not necessarily be you, but it’s someone you know and someone you willingly invited to sit next to you so you don’t look like a loser going to a movie by yourself.

You are there, constantly opening your phone. Checking to see if you missed a call. Waiting for someone to reply to a text message you’ve been sending the entire film, despite Mark Wahlberg being all dramatic.

You are there, trying to cover up the light emanating from your over-appreciated squackbox, which by the way, you care more about than a large portion of your friends. Oh yeah, I see it, and so does one-third of the crowd. Though we don’t say anything, we never do, we all want to kick you in the back of the head. Switching it to vibrate doesn’t help either. Turn it off. If you’re waiting for an important call, maybe the best thing to do is not watch a movie.

You are there, talking to the person sitting next to you. You‘re either predicting what’s going to happen next or asking a question that the director does not want to be revealed yet. It’s called suspense. Good movies have it. Maybe you should stop watching “Norbit” and “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” and check out “A Clockwork Orange” or “No Country for Old Men.”

You are there, acting like you’ve never seen a movie before in your life. Something’s funny? Laugh and enjoy it. But don’t flop around being loud and obnoxious, covering up the next two minutes of dialogue with your cackle. It’s a movie. You are not seeing 40-feet versions of Seth Rogen and James Franco fighting Danny McBride in “Pineapple Express” live.

You are there kicking my seat.

You are there eating your popcorn and your Twizzlers as if the louder you chew them the more delicious they get.

You are there sucking down every last drop of your drink like the antidote is at the bottom.

You are there with your kids, watching a non-kid friendly film.

“What’s that? The movie’s rated ‘R’ and it has graphic violence of vampires decapitating people? Honey, get the girls we got a midnight show to catch!”

If you can’t find a baby sitter, maybe that’s a sign to cancel the night out.

You are there, trying to enjoy yourself at the cost of everyone else in the theater.

You need to stop it.