Dear John McCain,

I see Heidi Montag has succeeded in wooing you in her bid for the vice-presidential candidacy.

Your dear spokesman, Jeff Sadosky, told E! Online that, “We have not ruled anyone on or off the list.”

I’m heartbroken, Mr. McCain.

Surely, her intellectual prowess and feminist wiles have convinced you that she’s the best woman for the job. In publicly endorsing you for president, she’s proven she’s willing to sacrifice her life of glitz and lip-gloss in order to serve her country as second-in-command. What, my dear Republican, is more sacrificial than that?

I hate to break it to you, sir, but you’re wrong. Horribly wrong. Dick Cheney’s hunting mark is better than your aim on this one.

I’d be a fantastic running mate. It seems like a total stretch, I know, but I’ve watched every season of “America’s Next Top Model.” On the whole solid pop-culture base thing – pssh! – I got you covered. This is a much worthier experience than Montag’s work getting herself onto every possible Us Weekly cover. I guess I could see the whole “bad publicity is good publicity” mantra, but seriously: Tyra vs. gossip rag. I got the goods.

Additionally, sir, I like to wear clothes. I’m especially fond of the kind made of opaque fabric and cut bigger than a paper towel. Senator, do you feel comfortable sending Heidi to Afghanistan to improve foreign relations? Something tells me her reputation for being a “feminist hero” wouldn’t go over well with their citizens.

Lastly, I’d like to point out that I don’t look like your wife. Montag’s blond starlet appeal may cause confusion in times of late-night Oval Office antics. The political arena is messy these days, so I want to ensure you that you’ll retain your integrity while in office. I mean, worst-case scenario: How awkward for you. Our expectations for our candidates in the past have clearly been too high. Let’s just nip that in the bud right now.

Please consider what I’ve said. Together, we can solve this thing right.