I attended the early The Devil Wears Prada show Thursday at the House Café and my experience confirmed that, at 22, I am an old man.

The following is a list all college-age students should refer to if they suspect they too are old.

1. You haven’t heard of any of the bands.

I’ll admit that I had not heard of The Devil Wears Prada, White Chapel or Once Nothing, though all were well-polished heavy metal bands. I was taken back by my noticeable lack of modern rock knowledge.

2. Iron Maiden who?

The heavy metal band in front of you screams a lot and two middle-aged people in the back booth are talking about times they spent at Iron Maiden shows. You want to talk to them just to fit in.

3. Moshing?

You’ve gone to punk shows and metal shows before, so you expect a decent amount of mosh pit action (even at The House). However, the teenage boys on the floor start scratching and punching the air violently and you want to flee before they notice you aren’t moving and turn on you.

4. A smell I haven’t noticed since …

About halfway through the show, a pungent aroma creeps into your nasal cavity and sparks reminiscent memories, but you can’t quite place it until you realize it’s the same stench as the high school boy’s locker room and you feel a strange urge to spray the crowd with Axe body spray.

5. Lyrics?

The metal band screams a lot and everyone gets really excited. Then you think to yourself, “Oh, this is kind of like grunge.” Then you realize most of the fans were too young to spell G-R-U-N-G-E when Kurt Cobain died.

6. Man?

The last sign that you’re too old for the scene is when a fan turns to you, seemingly to start conversation, but instead only asks to use the empty chair you’ve been trying to casually rest your arm on.

I applaud the The Devil Wears Prada, White Chapel and Once Nothing for their performances. They were great examples of heavy metal, but I think I should leave the angry metal rock to the disgruntled metal youth and retreat to my safe albums by rockers who are long dead.