America’s funnyman Neil Hamburger is coming to, in his own words, “the hottest college town in the hemisphere” — DeKalb. Hamburger’s internet television show, “Poolside Chats with Neil Hamburger,” is one of the most popular on the web, he has just wrapped up a tour with his fans Tenacious D (whose movie he also appeared in), and he will be appearing at the House Cafe, 273 East Lincoln Highway, tonight at 8 p.m. Hamburger took some time out of his daily commute between shows to talk to the star about the D, depression and Dane Cook.

Northern Star: Where are you driving to and from?

Neil Hamburger: We’re heading to Indianapolis right now, so I believe we’re someplace near Signpost, Indiana.

NS: Who are you traveling with?

NH: Well, you know, I’m traveling with the jokes. We carry over ten thousand jokes on these tours.

NS: How much space does that typically take up?

NH: Oh, it takes about two cardboard boxes. It doesn’t weigh anything, they’re light as air, but they do need their space. So I’d say about two cardboard boxes, that size.

NS: Are those large boxes or small ones?

NH: I’m actually not at liberty to disclose that. There’s always the chance that one of my competitors might read your newspaper and then next thing you know, they’re doing well and I’m not.

NS: I understand. So, you say you’re somewhere near Signpost, Indiana?

NH: Yes.

NS: Is that a real place?

NH: I believe it is.

NS: Have you been to that part of Indiana before?

NH: I believe so, you see I’ve been on every road.

NS: Really?

NH: Yes. Every road that there is.

NS: What’s your favorite one?

NH: Oh, I like the old ones the best. They have the most character.

NS: If you could make a road anywhere, where would you put it?

NH: If I could make my own road, it would be a road that had an end. And at that end, there would be some sort of Marriot or Hilton type of hotel at which I would have won a free night through one of those drawings where you put your card in a fishbowl. And that would be my road because, quite frankly, the road that I’m on and have been on for a number of years, it never seems to end. It just keeps on going, and I have a show every night and I’m sleeping on a cot under sheets of cardboard, and so I could definitely use a break.

NS: You say you’re sleeping under sheets of cardboard?

NH: Well, you get one of those giant refrigerator boxes, and you cut them up into sheets about the size of the lid of a coffin. So out of every box you can usually get eight sheets like that. I had a couple of them blow away, because it was very windy where I was trying to sleep. So I lost a couple of them that way, so I would say I have about six sheets with me.

NS: Do you have to buy the refrigerator boxes or are they donated to you, or how exactly do you come by them?

NH: We actually go to places like Sears on the weekends and you’ll find them out in back. They break them down and recycle them into other things, but if you can get hold of them first, you can do sort of a more direct sort of recycling, if you know what I’m saying.

NS: You’re really starting to pick up some publicity lately. You’ve got one of the most-watched internet television shows online right now.

NH: We do have a popular show, but when I say popular I mean amongst the sickies on the internet, which isn’t all that many people.

NS: You’ve also made fans out of Tenacious D if I’m not mistaken.

NH: Yeah, I just finished a tour with those guys a couple nights ago. We ended it in Vancouver, British Columbia, which is, as you know, a country unto itself. But it was a real treat to tour with those guys, they are true gentlemen—though their audiences aren’t always true gentlemen. I hope we can keep that going, we did upward of two dozen shows like that, and these are some of the most prestigious and beautiful venues you can see, not at all like the usual hellholes I play.

NS: That must have been an amazing experience.

NH: It really was. You just get those songs stuck in your head and you never get them out, because you’re on tour with these guys. But you know, I had buckets of water and rolls of paper towels and everything I wanted. That’s a great way to go.

NS: You also had a small role in “Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny,” correct?

NH: That’s correct, you’ve done your research.

NS: You were in the nightclub?

NH: I was the comedian, much like I am in real life, so it wasn’t a real stretch.

NS: What was the name of the character you were playing in the movie?

NH: I believe it was “Neil Hamburger.” I’d have to check on that though.

NS: Where did that name come from?

NH: Well you know, they needed to name this character and they were looking at the better comedians out there, and they found that there was one touring named Neil Hamburger, so they decided to name the character after this guy.

NS: And there’s no legal trouble from naming the character after a real person?

NH: Well I hope not, because I think I’d get sued from both ends.

NS: Is Hamburger your birth-name, or did you pick it up on your travels?

NH: Well, I had to modify it, because my birth-name was strictly uncommercial. Because of the cholesterol levels in this country rising and people having heart attacks, we decided to go with a name that was a little bit more commercial. So I changed my name from Neil Double-Bacon-Cheeseburger to just Neil Hamburger. Also, it’s shorter, so you save money on ink and toner cartridges. A lot of those printer cartridges these days cost more than the printer!

NS: I don’t actually even own a printer.

NH: Well, my advice to you is to never get one, you’ll never be able to pay for the cartridges. They’ll give you the printer, they’re like those heroin dealers who stand outside elementary schools—they’ll give you your first fix for free. The same with a printer. “Here’s a free printer, College Guy, now see if you’ll ever be able to afford the toner and ink cartridges.” You’ll never be able to, and then that’ll drive you to drink, and that’s no way to live, believe me.

NS: Thank you for that advice, I appreciate it.

NH: Pass that on.

NS: I will. So did you just leave on tour recently?

NH: Yes, I just left about 15 years ago.

NS: I mean between now and the end of the Tenacious D tour, did you just leave recently on this leg of the tour?

NH: We actually flew directly from the show in Vancouver to the next show in Madison, so there’s no time to rest in this lifestyle. You just have to keep on moving. Tenacious D flew back to California to resume their lives as upstanding citizens and entertainers, and I of course flew out here to perform in some fleabag hellhole pizza parlors and places like that. So we went our separate ways, that’s for sure.

NS: You say you left 15 years ago on tour, do you think that was a good decision? Are you happy with this lifestyle?

NH: No.

NS: No?

NH: I would answer “no” to that question. No.

NS: What would you have done differently 15 years ago?

NH: I would have been successful, I would have had a TV show, I would have made a million dollars, my records would have sold, I would not have been divorced, that type of thing.

NS: As things are now, do you feel that things are going well for you, all things considered?

NH: No, definitely no. Well, they could be going well in a sense, in that we have the Tenacious D thing, which has been great, and I appeared on Fox News recently, which seems very prestigious. We shot a DVD down in Australia, and I’m headed back to Australia in a couple of months. All these things seem very prestigious on the surface, but the problem is that I got railroaded into a real bad contract a few years back with a management company, and as a result, every penny I earn is going directly to those [people] to help them cover their cost. So, the more successful I am, the more they thrive, and I’m getting a small stipend, which is very hard to live off of. So if I were to really hit the big time, it would still be a couple of years before I would see that, because the money just all goes to these bastards. And that’s something I wish I could get out of, because it’s hard to feel good about. I could play for six people, or I could play for six million people, and either way I’m looking at a $15-a-week food allowance. They at least pay for the fuel for the vehicle out of the show money, but the rest of it is gone. You try and live on $15 a week for food and you’ll see that it’s not that easy. I could use sympathy.

NS: Well, you should find at least some sympathy in college towns.

NH: Good. And you’re from the hottest college town in the hemisphere, correct?

NS: Yes, absolutely.

NH: And you guys sneak over to Chicago to see the strippers and that sort of thing? This is what you’re learning in college?

NS: No, we know that those places exist, but that’s about as far as it goes.

NH: Good, I was starting to worry that the school had really gone to seed.

NS: No, it’s not that bad.

NH: Can you get onion rings around there?

NS: Absolutely, you can get onion rings all sorts of places.

NH: Those are bad for you.

NS: That’s true.

NH: You ought to eat more canned fruit. Because with canned fruit, you get all the proteins and things that are found in fruit, but you also get from the tin that they’re canned in, you get all sorts of minerals and things. Because what is a mineral except part of a can that’s flaking off? Best food you can eat. Get some canned peaches. Trust me on this. Don’t eat all the greasy, deep-fried pizza slices, stick with canned fruit and your outlook will improve tremendously, as it has for me. Pass that on too.

NS: Thank you, again. Going back briefly to the business of comedy, how do you feel that the rise in popularity of “superstar” comedians like Dave Chapelle and Dane Cook have affected your business.

NH: The [long string of expletives deleted] comedians, you mean? It’s tearing me apart. It’s permanently ruined my business. You get a guy like Dane Cook, you know? He packs them in, sells millions of albums, and then my album comes out and sells…y’know…hundreds? I’m not even sure. But you think “Jeez, if even one percent of the Dane Cook sales were going toward my album, how great life would be.” But they don’t. They don’t, they stay in his corner, and he thrives while people like me suffer, and it’s too bad because he’s a real [jerk].

NS: Have you met Dane Cook?

NH: No, I don’t want to meet him. I’ve heard his comedy and I hate it, so screw him. This guy is strictly not funny. Have you seen “Employee of the Month,” this movie he made? It’s right up there with “Chairman of the Board,” the movie Carrot Top made. They even have similar titles, just count the letters. “Chairman” equals “Employee,” “of” equals “of,” “the” equals “the” and “board” equals “month.” These movies are identical, and they are identically awful.

NS: Wow.

NH: You heard it here first.

NS: That is not a connection I would have ever made.

NH: Nobody has. Just remember, you heard it here first.

NS: What made you decide to go into comedy?

NH: There was no decision process, this was strictly all I was able to do. I was sort of forced into it. If you were born with a wrench for a hand, you’d become a plumber. That’s how this was. I had all the tools to be a comedian, so here I am.

NS: What are some comedians whose work you do enjoy?

NH: Well, the ones who are dead now. The dead ones. Because they no longer pose any sort of threat.

NS: Who would you say is your favorite dead comedian?

NH: Well, why should I give them any props? They never said anything good about me, did they?

NS: Well, it’s hard for them to now, because they’re dead…

NH: Well, the Ritz Brothers were pretty funny. Did you ever watch the Ritz Brothers movies?

NS: No, I never did.

NH: You might want to see that stuff. The Dead End Kids, the Bowery Boys, that’s some funny stuff. You’ll laugh at that. Any of those old Bob Hope and Bing Crosby movies, like “The Road To…” wherever the hell it was. I laughed a couple of times at that one.

NS: So, when you’re on the road, driving between gigs, what are some things you do to pass the time in the car?

NH: Well, you just try to do anything to keep the mind from dwelling on the bad things going on in your life. That’s really it. So, maybe some of those circus songs? You know, the ones you hear at the circus? You get one of those caught in your head, that might push out a negative thought. Maybe turn on the radio real loud. Anything to keep you distracted.

NS: Do you have any advice for people who are aspiring comedians?

NH: Well, I’d have to say there might be another line of work they might be better suited at, I mean these don’t seem like people that have any potential to me. It’s nice that they’re trying, but from what I’ve heard, and from what you’ve told me just now, I’d say these guys are on the fast track to the welfare line if they stay in that business. So I would definitely advise them to get the hell out while they can, leave the comedy to me, because something I really need is a little bit more of an audience. If these guys come in and take it, I’m sunk. They come in doing one of these Dane Cook-type acts that gets all the girls’ hearts a-flutter even though the guy is just babbling like a madman and there are no actual jokes. But he jumps around with that codpiece that he wears, doing sit-ups onstage, and it really impresses people for some reason.

NS: One last question: can you tell me a joke?

NH: Well, contractually I cannot. We did one of those in an interview once and nobody came to the show after that. So they decided it was one of two things, either the people read the article and said “Well that joke sucked, don’t want to go see him,” or else they said “Wow, that was a great joke, but why do I want to go to the show? I got the joke for free!” So you see, there’s no good reason to tell a joke in an interview.

Evan Thorne is the flavor editor for the Northern Star.