Name: Toucan Sam

Cereal: Kellogg’s Froot Loops

Catch phrase: “Follow your nose, wherever it goes!”

Grade: C+

Toucan Sam is the Jimmy Durante of cereal mascots. His nose is huge, but at least it serves multiple purposes, such as the brutal beaking he hands the Corn Flakes rooster during their semi-annual cockfights. And, I suppose it can be used to eat his cereal, but that’s decidedly less inventive than the other, more violent visions I have of him swirling about my head. A victim of deforestation, Sam moved to the greater United States with a sturdy head on his shoulders and a lust for life. A Columbia native, he also brought with him the edict of “follow your nose, wherever it goes,” which may or may not have certain drug connotations.

Name: Snap, Crackle and Pop

Cereal: Kellogg’s Rice Krispies

Catch phrase: “Snap, crackle and pop; Rice Krispies.”

Grade: B (A- for Snap and his baker’s hat)

Snap, Crackle and Pop have roomed together for 70-plus years, and their friendship is unflappable in every sense of the word. Though times have tried to tear this trio apart – having successfully done so on a number of occasions – they always seem to find each other again and continue their creepy, elf-like traditions. The first scare came in the early ’40s, when Pop joined the army and was shipped to Berlin for a six-month tour of duty. But after the Allies declared victory, the little sprite returned home to his pals who missed him dearly. In the early ’70s, Snap auditioned for a spot in the Keebler Elves’ tree factory, but was denied on claims that he was spying for another company. Some 30 years later, in 2001, Kellogg’s bought out the Keebler Company, giving this story an all-too fitting end.

Name: Dig’Em Frog

Cereal: Kellogg’s Honey Smacks

Catch phrase: “I dig ’em!” and “Satis-smack-tion!”

Grade: F

What Tony the Tiger and the Trix Rabbit do for cereal mascotting, Dig’Em Frog sure defecates all over it. As the only cereal to give me indigestion, Honey Smacks are the bane of the cereal aisle, nay, the entire supermarket. It certainly doesn’t help that the character Kellogg’s has parading around this time is a generic, annoying frog that has a tough time with hats, and the centering of said hats. This guy really doesn’t have much going for him, unfortunately. His product is bested by another honey-flavored brand on the market (Honey Nut Cheerios), and the lack of commercials this green-skinned goon stars in is no doubt hurting sales. I’m willing to bet that anyone who consumes Honey Smacks deserves a smack or two of their own. Awful.

Name: Sonny the Cuckoo Bird

Cereal: General Mills’ Cocoa Puffs

Catch phrase: “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.”

Grade: B-

The market for crunchy chocolate cereal is a divided one. In one corner of the aisle, you have your classic ball-shaped breakfast in Cocoa Puffs. At the other side are Post’s poster boys Fred Flinstone and Barney Rubble, shilling their Cocoa Pebbles. And somewhere in the center, alongside the other dozen or so hot cereals, is Coco Wheats. Add the Kellogg’s alternative Cocoa Krispies into the mix, and the market for this kind of stuff is rather spacious. So, who did General Mills invest all their time, money, effort and underage factory workers into? Sonny the Cuckoo Bird, a Vicodin-popping, somehow yet-to-be-extinct winged animal that demands us to give him the cereal or he’ll do something he regrets. The campaign has yet to let up, as the bird is still around filing upper after upper into his beak and we continue to down bowl after bowl of his delicious cereal.

Name: Cap’n Crunch

Cereal: Quaker Oats’ Cap’n Crunch

Catch phrase: “Crunchatize me, Cap’n!”

Grade: B

First off, yes, that is really what it says on hundreds, if not thousands of boxes of the cereal. That catchphrase is the best they could come up with? What about “Cap’n Crunch for breakfast, dinner and lunch”? It bothers me, but I’m just a writer, not a trustee on the advertising board. Anyway, the Cap’n is best known for his white mustache, which apparently grows directly out of each of his nostrils, and the captain’s hat embroidered with a giant, golden letter “C” on it. I suppose the fact that he is in full military attire and his name and rank are written in big, bold letters on the box aren’t enough to convince the guy that he is, in fact, a sea captain. The Cap’n scores bonus points for early-onset Alzheimer’s.

Derek Walker is a Web Reporter for the Northern Star.