‘Snakes’ lacks bite, too aware of its kitsch

By Stacie Wieland

The plot of “Snakes On a Plane” is simple: there are hundreds of snakes on a mo—rf—ing plane, all hyperaggressive due to a pheromone circulating in the aircraft.

The hype that surrounded “Snakes” months before its release helped launch it to the top spot at the box-office. I don’t blame the public; I wanted to see this film just as much as the next person. It has Samuel L. Jackson kicking reptilian butt, and who doesn’t want to see that? But by the end, I really just wanted my time and money back. I walked into the movie knowing full well that it has been glorified as the biggest, baddest mo—rf—ing B-movie in the history of B-movies. But instead of it being “so bad it’s good”, like “Deep Blue Sea” and “Lake Placid”, it was just bad.

Before the snakes’ grand entrance, there is very little to hold anyone’s attention. Sure, the reason why the snakes are on South Pacific flight 121 is revealed, but that doesn’t automatically make those 25 minutes entertaining. But after their intense sneak-attack, ending with more than 25 passengers dead in the span of five minutes, there isn’t much momentum left to keep interest. More people die and some survive. Big surprise.

The saving grace in this film truly is mo—rf—ing Jackson, because it sure isn’t the dialogue. While B-movies are often praised for painfully cheesy dialogue, “Snakes” made me feel like I was getting a tooth pulled with some of the corniest one-liners. The passengers are old and tired two-dimensional stereotypes: on the left a stuffy British businessman wanting nothing more than a little quiet and a full-of-himself hip-hop artist. On the right a creepy co-pilot who hasn’t matured since tenth grade, making lewd comments toward flight attendants and the ever-present benevolent woman toting her child.

If you feel it’s your duty as a Jackson fan or to find out how bad “Snakes” really is, go ahead.

At the very least, you’ll be able to see the best part of the movie, uncensored Jackson dialogue: “Enough is enough! I have had it with these mo—rf—ing snakes on this mo—rf—ing plane!”