Over the weekend I found out how much I really can do without having cable television.

I was involved in an all-out negotiation with a man looking to sell an appliance to the group I was with. Needless to say, when you deal with someone of this stature, it can only spell disaster for anyone involved. Chances are you will encounter or even become a hobo in the near future.

This is why I have come up with some descriptions and rules on how to deal with what is acceptably called a ‘hobo.’

How to spot a hobo

Sign-carrying hoboThe sign will read ‘Will Work for Food’ or ‘I really wish I had a cheeseburger right now. But with the economy being like it is, I’m glad my CEO laid me off so his stock could go up a quarter of a percent and he can afford to buy a balloon to sail around the world in.’ Granted, I’ve never understood how any of them found a black permanent marker to use on their cardboard box.

Train track hoboThis is the hobo eating a can of beans down by the train yard with a red handkerchief carrying all of their goods on a stick. Sadly, that is a thing of the past or something out of a Mel Brooks movie.

Joke-telling hoboThis person will quietly ask you for change and when you deny them a quarter, they will proceed to say they will tell you a joke for it. It may involve a parrot. It may involve the Pope, Oprah Winfrey, a three legged dog and a kite. All I can tell you is the joke will be horrible, but worth a quarter.

Hobo rules

Bargaining with a hoboIf they are selling a blender and ask you for a price, always start out with the lowest amount possible. I suggest to you offering $1 for it. More than likely they will begin yell and scream at your for even suggesting such a price. Just tell them, ‘Hey man, this is a capitalist society. What else do you want from me? You asked for an offer, I made you one.’ Chances are this whole ordeal will not end well. You may have to fight the hobo, on city property, in an all-out brawl of superiority for the blender.

Boarding a hoboNever let a hobo stay on your couch for any amount of time. First off, you will never get the freshness of your couch back. Throughout the years of the hobo hopping trains from town to town, their clothes have picked up smells from places you never even knew existed. Second off, hobos have some sort of sophisticated form of communication that notifies all of their kind there is a spot open on someone’s couch. Hobos from far off distances such as Portland, New York and Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch (they are all unemployed there these days) will be knocking at your door and drinking your beer. You don’t have time for that. Your roommate already occupies your couch, and he smells a just a little bit better than a hobo.