If you’re a guy and you are reading this right now, put the paper down.

Do you realize what day it is? It’s Hallmark’s day to completely ruin the rest of your life. A day created so women all over the world can feel good about themselves one day a year by being showered with gifts.

They can’t even fathom what stress this causes all men. We have to think long and hard in advance of the perfect gift to give so we are not put in the proverbial “doghouse.” And for what? So our love will say, “Aww, thank you,” and then excuse themselves to call a friend and nitpick about our gift.

It leads us to the question of what gifts do we buy? Do we get a gift card for McDonald’s so they can pick whatever they want off the dollar menu? Do we get a dozen roses? Do we not do anything and hope for the best?

Gentlemen, listen closely. Stop trying. Valentine’s Day is not a day to stress out. It’s just another day in the year you will disappoint.

You will disappoint on Sweetest Day. You will disappoint on anniversaries, Mother’s Day, Secretaries Day and most importantly, birthdays. All of them are made up days. Yes, even birthdays. You’re only born once in your life. Get over it. You don’t need another present.

Most men will give flowers, specifically roses. Those roses will die just like the love. Other men will give chocolates. But those chocolates will melt, but not her heart. The perfume will be the wrong scent. The lingerie will be the wrong size. And the jewelry … let’s not even go there. Saying “I love you” on a cheap fake gold necklace out of a quarter machine doesn’t cut it. Trust me, I’ve tried.

The only way to survive is to take massive amounts of notes all through the year to get just the right gift. It means you will have to listen to every subtle hint your love tells you. Every single… solitary… hint.

Men, do you really want to try that hard? Is being in love really worth all of the time, effort and work involved?

Just consider this piece of writing when you’re at your nearest gas station hoping they still have the stuffed bear with the phrase “Our love is my bear necessity,” written all over it: Doghouses are usually outside, and it’s cold in February.