Lately my professors have kept our classes to the very end with no chance of getting out early. I’m a senior this year and this seems to be a new trend for professors. Why do you think this is and what can I do about it?

Many of your professors are suffering from loneliness. When they are the head of the classroom, they have a sense of control over something, but when they go home, they have no one to turn to other than “Rocky Jenkins the Great,” their pet poodle. They will use any excuse to draw out a lecture, even if said lecture has nothing to do with the subject at hand. I had a professor ramble on about having his secretary typing tests on an old-fashioned typewriter instead of talking about politics. The reason the professor couldn’t type – frozen shoulders. How frozen shoulders correlates with Lenin and the Bolshevik Revolution, only historians can say. But you want to fix this problem, right? I’m going to let you in on a little secret. There is no fixing this. These professors will only get lonelier and more feeble as time goes on. Letting students like us out early will be a luxury no one will remember. Classes will even get longer in an attempt to subside the affects of their desolate lives. But, they could be just doing their jobs by not making you an ignorant individual who will be eaten alive when they enter the real world and not sleep and drink their life away. Actually, I’m going to go with that one. Only because I’m logical.

President Bush recently nominated a former judge to replace Sandra Day O’Connor’s spot on the Supreme Court. I don’t know anything about this nominee at all. Could you give me some advice on whether or not this was a good decision for his administration?

This was definitely not Bush’s finest month in office. Almost everything that is going on has been blamed on his administration and this nomination was supposed to set things better. Except this new nominee is already being picked on by his fellow classmates, er, I mean, governmental peers. They have given him the nickname of “Scalito,” which happens to be a pun off his last name “Alito” and of the right-wing extremist judge Scalia. How is this guy supposed to interpret the laws of our nation if everyone keeps making fun of his name? He’ll just keep running home to his wife and telling her the Senate majority leader was a doo-doo head instead of determining if record companies are allowed to sue college students for illegally downloading music. But I guess “Dubya” is okay with this. He’s had his share of nicknames in the past with some being more publicized than others. The only way the new nominee will survive is by resorting to the childhood technique of calling Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid Harry Butt. Nana nana boo boo.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments to [email protected].