I have lived through a few Thanksgiving dinners in my day.

Not all have been pleasant ones, but I survived them nonetheless. This Thanksgiving dinner is one I am not sure I will make it through.

I recently purchased and sampled the Jones Soda holiday gift pack. The contents of this gift pack are five bottles of soda, all flavored after something you might consume during your Thanksgiving meal. The flavors are: turkey and gravy, wild herb stuffing, brussel sprouts, cranberry and pumpkin pie. This seems to be a tradition that has taken place during the last few years for the Jones Soda Company. It produces these holiday gift packs and sells them at your local store for people to probably display and look at rather than to drink. Why do I say that? Because most of these flavors were completely disgusting.

I began with turkey and gravy because it’s the way I normally start my Thanksgiving dinner. I will admit this was very much like what I remember turkey and gravy tasting like. I don’t, however, remember it being all bubbly. I suppose that is part of the soda-conversion process I was not quite ready to experience. Needless to say, the experience was unpleasant. Drinking turkey is not my favorite thing to do.

I next moved on to the wild herb stuffing flavor, after drinking some water to cleanse the palate. It was a strange taste. At first, it was slightly sweet with a fruity element to it, which I would not have expected. Then it moved to a spiced bread flavor you would expect from stuffing and finally left me with a vague metallic aftertaste. In the end, this one was not too bad. In fact, it was probably one of the most normal tasting ones of the bunch.

The most revolting of the flavors was brussel sprouts. I have never eaten a real brussel sprout in its normal form and the liquid version is the worst thing I have ever put in my mouth. The smell was bad enough, but the taste was even worse. It started out being almost tolerable until I swallowed and then almost threw up immediately afterward.

Cranberry was next, and also very normal. It tasted as one would expect, like cranberries. I would even go so far as to say it was good. It did have a rather bitter aftertaste which I found unfortunate, but beyond this small flaw, it was the best of the bunch.

The final soda was pumpkin-pie flavored, which I didn’t much like because of the large amount of spice flavor to it. It reminded me a great deal of fall and potpourri, or at least how I imagine potpourri to taste like – kind of rich and spicy, but not very good at all.

Again, I don’t know why Jones Soda makes these aside from the fact it can. Science has certainly taken us far, but it probably did not mean for man to drink brussel sprouts. I don’t recommend anyone ever drink these because right now, every time I burp, it tastes like a small animal vomited until it died inside of my mouth.

Since Jones Soda is going to make these sodas whether I like them or not, I have a few final suggestions for future content. Perhaps it can add the flavor of the smell of the drunk uncle who falls asleep during the football game. Other suggestions include gunpowder-flavored soda for the Fourth of July, Bill Murray-flavored for Groundhog Day, and wine, cheese and baguette-flavored for Bastille Day.

Regardless, Jones Soda has taken beverages to the boundaries of what science and decency has allowed any human being to take them, and for that I must commend it. However, as it continues to embark on this journey to a new flavor country, it is my hope it leaves the brussel sprouts behind.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the views of the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments to [email protected].