When I was younger, I used to watch hours upon hours of television. Now I don’t even own a television. In reality, I am borrowing a TV, which is sitting on another TV, which I turned into a shelf for my DVDs. Regardless, I don’t watch TV as much as I used to, and the programing has changed a bit from before.

Take the series “Law and Order,” which my father would call “Law and Odor” – but that’s irrelevant. The original series, which has run for 15 years, has had more sub-headings than any other show.

There’s “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit,” “Law and Order: Criminal Intent” and “Law and Order: Trial by Jury.” And let’s not forget about the less popular “Law and Order: Zombie Inspector Unit.” The idea of having so many spin-offs is ridiculous. I wonder if executives are having trouble getting new shows and are doing something very similar to the movie industry – just remaking everything.

If this is the case and TV execs are in need of some help, I have few suggestions.

My first suggestion is for a new reality television program called “Fetus in a Jar.” The premise is simple: Someone sneaks a fetus in a jar into a large public gathering, people start to notice and hilarity ensues. Brilliant.

Perhaps something with more family values is in order. Consider the following: A family of three generations of Ku Klux Klan members move in next to an apartment building filled with people of all sorts of different racial and cultural backgrounds. The members of the KKK family need to learn to put aside their differences and get along with their neighbors, perhaps even grow to love them.

How about an action-thriller? This one is aimed for Fox. The entire series takes place on a 15-hour plane trip, beginning from airport arrival and the three hours to pass through security. Finally, the plane is boarded and into the air we go. Soon the plane is attacked by ghosts which only one person can see and communicate with. But the ghosts are planning a prison break with a girl that can solve crimes by using people’s internal organs. In addition, there is a cute kid who says the funniest things because of his speech impediment.

As for a sitcom, I have something that will have the whole TV community rolling. Imagine this: 63 people all end up signing the lease for the same apartment. Eventually, they all start dating and breaking up and whatnot, but rather than the break-ups being sad, they’re funny. But maybe that is too much like real life.

I suppose the networks won’t pick up things based on something that hasn’t been extensively tested on a variety of audiences to be a tried and true method of selling ads. But I’m trying anyway. Even if game shows like “Name That Invertebrate” make it on the air, I wouldn’t be able to watch them anyway. I suppose I would receive little to no self-gratification from these television programs, but after all, I am not doing this for myself. I’m doing it for all of humanity. And who says altruism is dead?

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments or questions to [email protected].