I don’t want to grow up, because if I did. . .

By Brayton Cameron

They Might Be Giants is well known for silly commentaries on society, though some of the things it’s sung about are far more true than most people would expect.

The song “Older” is one example with such brilliant lyrics, “you’re older than you’ve ever been/ and now you’re even older/ and now you’re even older.” True, we are all continually getting older. But for those of you in denial, I’ll help you out the best I can.

One of the first indications you’re getting old is when you notice all of your friends getting married. This can be a horrifying realization. I say this because using words like “forever” or planning for the future are inherently old people things to do. I’ll admit using the word “forever” is also a very high school thing to do – when you have the first relationship and you think you’ll be together forever. Then you realize the person you are seeing prefers Wild Cherry Pepsi over regular Pepsi and you just can’t consider a lifetime with a person of such poor taste.

All right, so now your friends are married. But what’s even worse is when they start having babies. Some of my friends are beginning this stage and I only hope the baby will be shot out as an 18-year-old and I can at least relate to it when I visit them, if I’m even allowed.

One of the things I found most disappointing was the illusion of television as I grew up. Sure, I always thought Claire Huxtable was attractive, but when I was eight years old, it was hard to imagine she would feel the same. Now I’m older and I can watch the same episodes hoping maybe she’ll notice me. I have to realize she both doesn’t really exist, and would be a shadow of her former glory if she did. I guess I can still hope for Dana Scully to come calling. However, that whole being impregnated by an alien thing is a bit of a turn-off.

Still not convinced you’re old yet? I suggest you take a long, hard look at today’s youth culture. And by this I mean people between the ages of 12 and 16. Do you find them repulsive? Hard to understand? Do you think they lack the appreciation of things you find to be important? Do you often wonder how anyone would want to dress the way they do and still go outside?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you are old. I, for one, have not understood the youth culture since I was 17 and was no longer considered part of it. Groups of teenagers scare me. I can’t keep up with their ‘hip lingo’ and, in short, I feel most of them should get hair cuts, real jobs and be productive members of society.

However, unlike many of my old man contemporaries, I do not want to get a hair cut, a real job, or be a productive member of society. Rather, I hope they will do it so I can continue to have my education paid for by their taxes. I suppose I’m quite happy with the way old people have set stuff up for me. To them, I raise my glass of Ensure, turn up the volume on Matlock and yell “hoorah” until I start coughing and need to turn on my oxygen.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments or questions to [email protected].