Relationships are tricky bedfellows. They are full of extreme highs and liquor-store-run lows. Sometimes you are right but more often than not, you are wrong.

Relationships are harder for a man to handle than for a woman. I write this because I’m concerned for the mental well-being of all guys in a relationship. There are a lot of things to consider about a serious relationship many guys have not even fathomed. I’m here to help out the less fortunate of these men and perhaps save a few relationships teetering on the brink of dismissal. I can’t save everyone, but those who are saved, thank me later.

If you think something you said is funny and you want to continue on with the joke, stop right now. Two minutes into your story, your girlfriend has started to think what she will wear for the evening or if she left the gas on. You may get a courtesy laugh, but it’s a laugh of hesitancy because she hopes your ranting will end. Telling a story about cats having pet store or animal shelter reunions may get a small, “Aww, that’s so cute,” but adding, “Calico” developed a cat nip problem three years ago and now is checked into rehab with a family down the street will definitely kill the cute comment.

Your girlfriend has already thought of every argument the two of you will ever have and has come up with a strategy to win. I’m sorry gentlemen, there is no way to win. The best line of defense is to lie down in the fetal position and wait for it to end. If you want to carry on with the argument, be my guest. Set your stop watch to five minutes and see how long it takes for you to apologize. If you haven’t apologized by the time the argument has ended, you have booked yourself a ticket to “chick-flick Friday night” with your snuggle-wuggles, instead of downing pints with the lads at the pub.

Some girls believe they have the right of a “girlfriend executive privilege.” Translation: if you want to have a girlfriend, they dictate a vast portion of your time and activities. Don’t let her go too far with this. She might start taking away cherished items and there is no way to veto the privilege. Sure, there are checks and balances in the government, but your girlfriend is hardly a corrupt politician. At least, I hope she isn’t.

Girls often like to be indecisive. Big shocker, right? Be prepared with quick lies. The girl will ask if her outfit looks good or was it the right decision to buy it. The answer to that question: Well, do you like it? If the answer is yes, then your answer should follow suit. Steer away from questions about whether or not they look fat in something. Simply defuse the situation by grabbing on to your “love handles” and shaking your head. Seriously, she isn’t fat. I don’t care if she looks like she ate Louie Anderson, she is not fat.

Your girlfriend will control you no matter what. As much as any friend will tell you to stand up for yourself or any of that mumbo-jumbo, if you have a girlfriend, you have given up the male independence you once enjoyed.

Then again, do what you want. Who am I to give advice?

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments or questions to [email protected].