It would be hard to deny DeKalb’s animal population is a bit out of control, especially if one were to consider the inhabitants of a certain area often called “Greek Row.” There are a large number of squirrels, ducks, geese and cats which all have their special place here. The only problem is there are too many of them and their special places are starting to encroach upon my habitat. As you could have guessed, I’m very territorial.

To start, the squirrels are a far too cheery bunch that hop and bop around campus as if they own the place. Which they don’t   – because squirrels can’t own land according to real estate law. However, they put on a red blazer and suddenly they’re Monarch of Property.

Regardless, these happy little homeless squirrels are all around campus without fear, which is something I find rather disturbing. I don’t much like to toot my own horn, but in comparison to a squirrel, I am gigantic and this is a point of pride for me. However, these bold squirrels are not afraid of me unless I growl and chase them down the sidewalk.

Let’s move on. The fowl of this area have become something of a problem. Even the weird mutant duck that looks like its head was hit with a sledgehammer, which hangs out by the lagoon, is not innocent. The geese, as you could imagine, have started to congregate in DeKalb before their big pre-winter flight South. I’m not sure why they do this, but in certain spots they take over. Last night I was awakened by the sound of geese honking at one another in very angry tones. I don’t need to hear an argument, no matter what species, outside my home. I say go South and stay there. You’re just not welcome anymore.

Recently, I’ve been in the presence of a skunk. Luckily, because of my quick wit and charm, the skunk did not consider me a threat. I might add, the only animal in the kingdom I find frightening is the skunk. Not because of its surprising stealth or uncharacteristically sharp teeth, but because it cannot kill me. I don’t know why the real estate fascists didn’t work their hate magic on the skunk to keep it out of my community, but they didn’t and I’m not so much angry as I am disappointed.

Finally, the stray cats around town have become a menace to say the least. They’re the more smelly but less dangerous version of the skunk. They’re always hiding in my trash can and sleeping on the hood of my car, not to mention the screeching death rattle-like sounds they make when they’re ‘hiding the cat-nip.’ It would probably be the same if I put them in a bag, brought it to my cousin’s birthday party and tied it to the ceiling for a pinata. “Look, little Timmy! Cat eyes! They’re fun to suck on!”

Don’t worry, I would never use a cat as a pinata at my cousin’s birthday party. It has been a long standing rule that I not be allowed to any of the family gatherings, as I have put the dignity of the entire family in jeopardy a few too many times to be welcomed home.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments or questions to [email protected].