Welcome back; now go home

By Brayton Cameron

The streets have become flooded with cars, the sidewalks with people and my heart with sadness. Now is the time when all the whiney, smelly, unappreciative people of DeKalb – often called college students – return in attempts to further their education. In many ways this is my welcome back piece, and in many ways it’s a piece about how unhappy I am those students have returned.

For those that did not live in DeKalb over the summer, consider yourselves somewhat lucky. The town becomes a boring wasteland, wherein the most fun a person can have is ordering a pizza and watching “Mr. Show.” I don’t want this to appear as though I am complaining – in fact, I miss those days.

Over the summer I was enrolled in a class here, and I rode my bike to this class rather happily knowing I would not be hitting morons with cell phones attached to their heads staggering like drunks down the sidewalk.

I could walk and drive about campus at the pace I chose, fully aware I would not be hassled by the mindless meandering of more than 20,000 others on the streets. The time it took me to drive from my apartment, which might I add is about as far away from campus as I could manage without leaving town, to the record store or a restaurant was about five minutes. Now it takes close to 12 using the same path, the same car and the same foot to push down the accelerator.

For those that feel I’ve been unnecessarily cruel and unaccepting of the children which have returned to school, I would like you to go back a few days and check the police blotter and you’ll agree.

Perhaps I’m boring, but I did not get in any fights, fall down flights of stairs, engage in any sexual assaults, drive under any sort of influence or yell antiquated misogynistic blatherings off my balcony over the summer. And since school has started, I have not started any of these things either.

I suppose I’m just a bit perplexed as to why college students need to come into the town I call home and act like toddlers, completely incapable of controlling their hormone influenced responses. We, and I say “we” very hesitantly as I do not like to think of myself in the same category as most of the drooling knaves, are supposed to be acting as adults.

However, I have to consider the idea of acting as an adult also has its problems, such as the often juvenile action of our nation’s leader. Let us forget about politicians for a few moments and focus on people that actually respect things, which is what I am told adults are supposed to do.

There is no clear indication the blithering, foolish infants about campus have any respect for anything, including themselves, considering the way many of them dress.

As usual, I am probably going to be accused of letting a few bad apples ruin the whole bunch, but I would suggest you give this column to your parents so they think twice before ripping their next child from their teat prematurely.

I am reminded of what I said to my father when he wondered why I wouldn’t ask my neighbors for a ride to school when it’s raining. “Dad, I didn’t move as far away from people as possible to meet more of them.”

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments or questions to bcameron@northernstar.info