What would a first time President of the United States have to do to get impeached almost immediately after taking office?

I’m not sure why a person would be concerned with such an issue, but I’ll try my best. The president would have to first order a nuclear attack on the North Pole with the reasoning of, if there is a Santa, there isn’t one anymore. They shouldn’t be worrying about the consequences seeing as Santa probably jipped them out of a pony when they were younger. The second being hiring a good friend of theirs and supplying them with $1 billion to find this “Jesus” that everyone says has been missing from their lives. They will sleep better knowing they have wasted tax-payer money on this activity. The newly-elected president should also follow exactly what Bush has done in office, which is pretty much on par with the first two ideas. But if they did this, they would be praised for his bold action against the red-nosed reindeer and remain in office for two terms.

My roommate and his lady friend like to often engage in extremely loud horizontal mambo activities in our apartment. Is there something I can say or do to curb this?

Whenever this situation comes about again, the best plan of action is a Struppendous plan of action. Dress in your finest terry- clothed robe and get a pipe that blows bubbles. Casually walk into the “activity room,” sit down in a chair, then start to talk loudly about the writings of Henry David Thoreau. But allow this to be a participation discussion by trying to involve the mamboers. Each time the activity takes place, discuss different genres of literature. My guess is they will either never be at your apartment again or become really educated on Moby Dick. Hey, at best, they may just call you Ishmael.

My boyfriend invited me to his birthday party, but then a few days later uninvited me by stating he would like to flirt with all the girls he invited without me being there. Do you think it is wise to stay with him?

I don’t see why not. Your boyfriend is a man of vision and is respecting you by telling you to stay home so he can have a chance with the ladies. Then again, your boyfriend is in possession of the biggest pair of grapefruits known on God’s green earth and should not be trusted. If you continue with him, his testicular fortitude might hinder a great relationship.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments or questions to cstrupp@northernstar. info