Lately, when I get a late-night snack from my refrigerator, I enjoy it more when I’m nude and the cold air chills my body. Is this creepy?

It’s not as creepy as it is dangerous. Do you realize the side effects that late-night nude snacking can have on the body? You run the risk of procuring the disease known to scientists as “Genitalia Inferious.” In a manner of speaking, your lil’ sluggers are going to curl up like an allergic reaction to the North American Man/Boy Love Association. You also stand a chance of accidentally slamming, freezing or jello-ing a certain part of your body. My friend, the risks are much too great for your nude enjoyment. If you must get a thrill, I suggest watching an hour of Carson Daly. It has the same exact effect on me.

It all started while I was on a road trip with a friend of mine to California. We decided to take as much time as possible, but split the driving. Along the way I started to develop a strange fascination with him and often at night, when he slept, I would pull the car over and stare at him, sometimes for hours. This was also true when he would sleep at night in the hotel. When we got back from the trip, I had hoped this infatuation of mine would have gone away. It has not, however, and I find that I seek his attention even more now. I recently shaved “I (heart) you” into his cat hoping he would notice and say something. But nothing has happened. I know what I did was wrong and he probably doesn’t have any feelings for me. I should probably just stop and cancel the delivery of the pig heart to his apartment. I guess I don’t really need any of your Struppendous Advice. I just wanted to tell someone.

Well … OK.

I’ve been having a lot of weird dreams lately. Is it okay to have weird dreams where I become comic-book characters?

Definitely. Why, just the other day, I had a dream where I was Batman and fighting off a bunch of the Joker’s evildoers. I had a laser gun and when I shot at the bad guy, they would automatically turn good. When I shot Joker, he just threw his arms up in the air and said, “Ah man, this sucks.” Wow. That was really lame. I guess it’s not okay to have dreams like that if your dreams are going to be as lame as mine, because I don’t even hurt the bad guy, I just make him sadly disappointed.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments or questions to cstrupp@northernstar. info