When riding the bus early in the morning one day, a girl had a loud and unnecessary 15-minute conversation on her cell phone. Do you have any advice for me if that happens again?

My question to you is what is so important to talk about at 8:30 a.m? Next time this happens to you, fake an old ankle injury and fall down. Scream and flail your arms wildly and request to use that girl’s cell phone and pretend to call someone for some sort of help. When you end your fake phone call, put the phone down your pants and tell her to knock off her early morning cell phone crap. When you see the look on her face, hand back the phone and go back to whatever it was your were doing like nothing happened. Ah, sweet justice!

Every Saturday morning I wake up to a trashed place from my roommate’s parties. It’s not a problem, but he leaves early the next morning and doesn’t clean up his mess. How should I approach this situation?

There is a fail proof way of never having this situation happen again and it is beating them at their own game. Go ahead and clean up their mess. Make it shiny and spotless. The catch, though, is to take everything you cleaned up and pile it in their room. This includes their half-full bottles of beer and nice puke-soaked paper towels. Spread it all over their bed in a creative fashion and maybe spruce it up with the broken bottle of cheap vodka. If they question your motives, and they will, just say you were watching a design show on the Home and Garden Television Network called “Party Puke Decor.” I’ll tell you what, that’s a pretty sweet show.

I want to get on birth control, but I can’t afford it and I don’t want it to show up on my parent’s insurance. How can I go about getting it fairly cheap?

You’re in luck. I’m involved in the underground birth control black market. My group and I are like the Robin Hoods for the promiscuous. You can find our newly acquired product at your local swap meet for a low, low price. But if birth control is not your thing, take some advice from Sir Mix-A-Lot. “Girls/ Bringin’ many problems to my world/ Tryin’ to make Mix pay for them pearls/ One had a baby and it’s a girl/ I swore I had protection/ Got an erection/ Must resist temptation/ Girls flock/ Ride my jock.”

Struppendous side note: The “fake hot” answer last week was a collaboration with a friend of mine. The term was her idea and I failed to credit her most valid input.

Views expressed in this weekly humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. If you have comments or a question, send them to [email protected]