Since I consider myself a social critic, it is important for me to ask, “What are we doing to our children?” The answer is never a simple one, but it is often unexpected.

While shopping in a local superstore, I visited the bathroom. I entered the stall and shut the door behind me, only to notice a strange object hanging on the inside of the door. I first thought, “Am I in the wrong bathroom?” I wasn’t, but this object still puzzled me. I stared at it, moving the plastic pieces about and playing with the seat belt-like devices.

At some point it dawns on me – it is a seat for a small child, an infant perhaps. This seat is directly facing the toilet, with straps so the child wont fall off. It seemed like a great idea when I first saw it. Certainly we’ve all gone shopping with our babies but have had no place to put them. It was once said, “Nature is one call you can’t put on hold,” and a baby is one thing you can’t hold while answering nature.

Thinking this is a good idea ended quickly. I realized the child would be staring at me while I moved my bowels. Shy as I am, I don’t think I could finish with a baby staring at me – even if the baby is my own. Then there is the issue of cleanup and deciding whether to pick up the baby before I wash my hands or not.

But this isn’t all about me; it is about the baby as well. I’ll admit that I don’t remember anything from my infancy, thankfully. But there is a chance this baby could. Can you imagine growing up with the memory of one of your parents defecating in front of you? There are some things people aren’t meant to see, and their parents going to the bathroom is probably one of them.

Even worse, what if a nanny or baby sitter takes your baby to the bathroom? What a horrifying thought. You left your baby with someone who goes “number two” in front of them.

Another feature of this baby seat is the proximity with your child. Now you can play with your kid and keep it entertained while you are busy making poopy, as it were. Perhaps this is the intent, that one can distract the child from the embarrassing plopping sound.

If we assume children will be able to remember this, even as a simple event they later build off of, we can see this will have devastating effects on a child’s well-being. Only weirdos like to watch other people go to the bathroom, and this device is assisting in breeding an entire generation of waste watchers.

Perhaps adult diapers are the answer.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send questions and comments to bcameron@northern star.info