Warm beaches, tropical drinks, scantily clad co-eds. Oh, the joys of spring break. While I am freezing in Northern Illinois, many students will be heading to exotic locales to throw their money away. Although I can’t come with and hold back your hair and make sure you don’t puke on your Coach knock-off purse, (Look closely, it says Cooch), the least I can do is give you some advice.

Of course you’ll need a new swimsuit or three depending on how long you’re on vacation. You don’t want to have to put on the same damp suit after you’ve had a long night of drinking, do you? Of course not. While you’re out shopping for swimsuits, here’s some tips to keep in mind.

First, pick out your problem area. What part of your body are you self conscious about?

*NOTHING

You are either confident and perfect or extremely delusional. Either way, you can wear whatever swimsuit style you want. I can’t guarantee it will look good though.

*STOMACH

Not too flat around the mid-section? Not a problem. A great suit for camouflaging a bulging belly is the tankini. This top is basically a tank-top made of swimsuit material. Bikini bottoms would be a good combination with a tankini. Please do NOT pair the tankini with boy short bottoms. This combination attempts to look too much like regular clothing and looks odd.

There are also some attractive one piece swimsuits. They might be a little harder to find, but don’t be discouraged by racks of one pieces with attached skirts. You’ll eventually find something cute.

*BUTT

Is your butt too big? Then wear a bikini bottom and tie a beach shawl around your waist. Stay far from boy shorts. Is your butt too small? Boy shorts are your friends and you are the only one who looks good in them.

*BREASTS

Don’t want to be flopping down the beach? Strap those babies down with a halter top or a size large bikini top. If you buy too small of a size of top, you will undoubtedly flash your goods in front of the entire Booze Cruise attendees.

Little boobs, take care, you can wear anything. Feel free to try the bandeau top or strapless swimsuits. There are also some bikini tops that come with padding.

Whether you’re strutting down the beach in your new swimsuit or drunkenly floating on a tube in the middle of the ocean, keep in mind that swimsuits that fit properly will always make you look better than Ms. Wedgie McNipslip.