I got really drunk one night and happened to fall asleep in a buddy’s bed with him, and I woke up with my arm around him. I know I have a flawless heterosexual record. Does this constitute spooning? And if so, how do I handle everyone’s accusations of being a fancy lad?

Back in yonder years, men huddled together for warmth from the cold and were not seen as fancy lads. The yonder years are long gone, and you totally spooned. You say people are calling you a fancy lad. You obviously told a few people of your drunken “knight in shining armor” tale and people thought it was a bit on the sweatin’-to-the-oldies side. If you woke up and had to ask me, a respected (well, by most readers) advice columnist, whether you spooned a buddy while in a drunken stupor, well, I think you deserve that comment then.

I have a bad habit of picking my nose. Not only do I pick, I eat them obsessively. Should I get out of this habit, and do you think there is something wrong with what I do?

Society has pressured you into thinking this is a bad habit. And don’t think others don’t pick their nose while they are alone – they do and they enjoy it immensely. If they didn’t, how come when you pull up at a stoplight with only one car waiting to go, you see the driver picking their honker like it’s going out of style? According to a qualified quack … I mean, doctor, eating your own boogies will strengthen your immune system and keep your nose far cleaner. Besides, you don’t always have a Kleenex around you at every moment. So put your finger in your nose, pick a nice big green piece of mucus out of it, eat that dry bloodied piece and hold your head up high, you booger eater, you.

I am hosting a party this upcoming weekend, and I want it to be almost a black tie affair or box-social type of thing. With that in mind, do you know the best type of wine I should purchase for all the guests I am going to have?

Yes. Boone’s Farm.

Struppendous side note: Send me questions at [email protected], and I will answer them for you.

Views expressed in this weekly humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. If you have comments or a question, send them to [email protected]