Editor’s Note: No, your eyes aren’t deceiving you. The following is a review of a new Will Smith comedy vehicle that hits theaters today. Weekender movie critic Marcus Leshock attended an advanced screening of the film with the condition that his review run the day of the film’s release. Since Weekender is strictly a once a week proposition, Sweeps decided to go to the movies.

You know a film is in trouble when the audience spends more time wondering where the main character bought his shirt than what will happen to him.

This is precisely the problem with “Hitch” – a movie packed with characters much too hip for their own good. Even with an extremely slow start and an even slower ending, testing your patience is the worst the film does to its audience.

But “Hitch” is surprisingly decent, especially for Hollywood’s garbage month. It also provides a great opportunity for Kevin James, a funny, fat, white dude from that show that none of you watch (“The King of Queens”). “Hitch” provides James with a stage big enough (Valentine’s day weekend) to impress and amuse the young dating public. While Will Smith is the headliner, James ends up the star.

Alex Hitchens (Smith) is what’s known as a “date doctor,” meaning he makes a seven figure income giving dorky men dating advice. Hitchens apparently has the power to turn glutton into gold, giving even the biggest losers a chance with the woman of their dreams.

Enter Albert Brennaman, an extremely shy accountant who happens to be infatuated with one of his firm’s premier clients, Allegra Cole (Amber Valletta). Albert knows he has no chance, so he hires Hitch to get him there. Hijinks naturally ensue when Hitchens tries to buckle down the comically foolish Albert, a man who appears no match for the rich and famous media-princess Allegra.

The trouble with Hitchens is his belief that Albert needs his help in the first place. Judging from his ridiculous bachelor pad in a New York City sky rise, Hitchens is paid handsomely – but for what? The biggest advice Hitch ever gives any of these gentlemen is so terribly motherly – open doors for women, listen when they talk to you, ask if they need anything, give them love touches on the small of their back so they know you’re there, etc.

We watch Hitchens pick up women, but he finally meets his match in gossip columnist Sara Melas (Eva Mendes). Sexy Sara is on the prowl for some juicy stories (like any good gossip journalist!), and to discover the identity of the mysterious “date doctor” would be the ultimate scoop. If only she knew she was dating him and that her other big story, Allegra Cole’s new goof boyfriend Albert, is one of the date doctor’s premiere clients! But will she find out the truth before she falls head-over-heels for Hitch?

Of course she will, and we also know that Hitch will end up having to take some of his own dating advice, plus a few hints his own mother must have left him.

Be yourself. That’s the moral message at the end of our story, just like every other dating movie that has tried to give struggling men tips on how to score with women. Once again an interesting concept turns into another cliched moral vehicle. Could we really expect anything more from director Andy Tennant, the man behind such crowd pleasers as “Sweet Home Alabama” and “Fools Rush In?”

“Hitch” is good for an easy laugh, but has a run time of 115 minutes, which is something the film’s two editors definitely struggled with. Your best bet is to arrive 20 minutes late and leave 30 minutes early. As far as dating advice is concerned, call your mother instead.

Just be sure to share some of that seven figure salary with her once your new career takes off.