In the movie “The Relic”, based on a novel by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child, the filmmakers replaced the SWAT team of the book’s climax with a couple of armed men running around in khakis. For years, this decision perplexed me as a weird choice made by filmmakers. This, however, was blown out of the water when I saw “Alone in the Dark,” where monster hunters burst into a building clad in roller-blading gear?

There are a great many things that don’t make sense in this movie. In the film’s clunky exposition, lengthy narration tells about a lost Native American tribe and a breach between two worlds. Edward Camby (Christian Slater) is the hero, an ex-government agent who collects lost Native American artifacts and prevents them from falling into the wrong hands. Tara Reid plays Aline, an anthropologist and, conveniently, his ex-girlfriend. Stephen Dorff is Commander Burke Richards, leader of a paranormal agency and Camby’s old boss.

From here, the movie becomes a twisted amalgam of “The Relic,” “Pitch Black,” “Hellboy,” “Tomb Raider” and “Starship Troopers.” There is no inspired dialogue between the cast, but if there was, this might just end up as a good B-movie or guilty pleasure. Instead, the movie just becomes one bloody mess. The film’s score moves between head-banging heavy metal vibes and a cheesy ’80s romance that sounds a lot like the “Moonlighting” theme.

Oddly enough, few people are actually “Alone in the Dark” in this movie. Perhaps a more appropriate title would be “Alone in the Dark Together” or “Alone in the Dark With a SWAT Team Standing Behind Me.” When the movie finally starts to pick up, we watch as poorly-dressed G-Men are torn asunder by poorly animated monsters. By the end, the film’s own logic has collapsed and spews forth one final massive contradiction to delay the much-rejoiced credits.

“Alone in the Dark” is based upon a video game that launched the survival horror genre. The game became the prototype for such hits as “Silent Hill” and “Resident Evil.” This style of video game making is sleek and suspenseful, but Hollywood video game movie adaptations register only as guns, gut and gore. “Alone in the Dark” is no exception. Thanks to its helmer, Uwe Boll, “video game” has become a trashy term for film critics, usually taken to mean a film with no plot and a lot of gunfire. This is unfortunate because the video game medium has an expansive selection of properties that rivals the current comic book movie craze. Unfortunately, quite a few of these properties are being optioned as Boll’s next project.

If anyone is looking for an empty movie showing for an impromptu game of “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” “Alone in the Dark” is probably the safest bet.