My girlfriend makes me upset, and I don’t think we are right for each other anymore. I want to break it off, but I don’t want the hardships involved. What should I do?

Relationships are always tricky situations. However, I must say the only feasible way out of this is through a game of hangman. Nothing says “I don’t love you” like making your soon to be ex guess what letters make up the phrase “YOU’RE DUMPED.” Although she might not find the humor, she will come to respect your wishes and accept you as a gentlemen or have a vicious vendetta against you the rest of her life. So buck up and start drawing the gallows partner.

My mom calls at inappropriate times when I am with my girlfriend. It’s hard to be intimate when she calls and ask about how my day went. How do I bring this up without making her feel bad or suspicious?

To make this situation easier on both of you, explain how you really feel with a sock puppet show. One sock will represent you and the other your girlfriend. Start the show by showing your mom what happens when two puppets love each other and need to explore the birds and bees. Either that, or turn on the speaker phone during your “birdy bee activity.” The whole point is to make your mother so embarrassed you participate in the act of fornication that she will think twice about making a phone call. You get what you want and your mom gets therapy. It’s win-win.

I have a long winded professor who doesn’t realize he bores the class beyond belief. How do I confront him?

In my tenure as an advice columnist (one week), it would seem the best solution involves a stopwatch and airhorn. Set a time your professor is allowed to talk and after that blow the airhorn. It’s called conditioning. The outcome involves your professor learning to never talk past two minutes or him or her having a heart attack. My overall suggestion is to make sure your professor is not dodgey on the heart, then enjoy.

My boyfriend’s birthday was yesterday and it slipped my mind. Is there anyway to smooth the waters with him?

You’re lucky you’re a girl. If this situation was turned around, this guy would be in the dog house. In relationships, if you are a girl, you are allowed a get out of jail free card. Just apologize to him and maybe buy him some Taco Bell. I know if that happened to me, a nice Chicken Enchilada Burrito would sure hit the spot.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments or a question, send it to [email protected]