I have never been much of a romantic. In fact, I once refused to make out with my former girlfriend on her birthday because she smelled. Valentine’s Day is not one of my favorite days. However, instead of filling this column with bitterness and hate, I have decided to lend some of my near-endless wisdom.

Be careful who you spend Valentine’s Day with. For example, I was enjoying a sandwich at Subway the other day and was ever-so-happy to hear two young ladies bickering about ketchup. These two lovely women were debating if ketchup was gross.

It was at this moment I thought these two people might be fornicating this Valentine’s Day. They might be involved in an action leading to the birth of a child. This is a scary concept. A child bearing half of the genetic information of someone with nothing better to do than talk about ketchup. Would the parents of these two girls be proud of their offspring, thinking of the day they contemplated the complexities of condiments rather than solving some of the world’s problems?

Perhaps I should go about this in another manner. Imagine another scene, the lights are low, candles are lit, Barry White is playing in the background. You look into your lover’s eyes, your lover looks back and says, “Oh my God, I thought it was going to tornado out.”

Is this an appropriate time to reconsider engaging in potential baby-creating activities? I think so. I suggest you fake being asleep and sneak out as soon as possible.

I will concede to the fact that copulation is one of the American college student’s favorite recreational activities, but we simply cannot allow ourselves to produce our next generation in this manner. The world has many problems already and we must be considerate to the world and not create a generation filled with mind-numbing incoherence passed off as intelligent conversation.

I am not making a claim against ketchup. I also am not claiming my genetic material is the only material worth passing on, no matter how true that may be. I am simply suggesting you know who you are about to spend the day of ultimate love with.

For a final thought, I would like you to consider the following: You are walking down a path in a park holding hands with your lover. He or she gets left behind to tie his or her shoe and asks, “Can’t you wait for nobody?” Simply say “No,” and move on to greener pastures.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send questions or comments to [email protected]