What does the Boogeyman call his girlfriend?

His Boogedy-Boo.

If you found that joke exceedingly hilarious, ‘Boogeyman” is your movie.

For the rest of you, “Boogyeman” is an exercise in the obnoxious. It’s every Wes Craven horror movie made – but bad.

First we open with company credits. Next is something filmmakers refer to as an attention grabber: an opening scene that starts slow and ends in a flurry of violence or death to a character who appears to be central to the film. Here we see a small child’s father captured and killed by the Boogeyman as the child looks on. Finally, we get the title.

Flash forward years late, our character Tim is all grown up . He’s finally meeting his hot girlfriends’s parents, who should be very pleased with their model son-in-law.

“So, Tim, you got any brothers or sisters,” his disapproving future father-in-law asks.

“No sir,” Tim replies before becoming emotional and leaving the room. Either the Boogeyman is haunting our character, or Tim has to go change his diaper.

More people die after this awkward scene, including Tim’s mother, who haunts Tim’s dreams right before her death. He attends the outdoor funeral, obviously alone, but notices a young girl lurking in the distance.

The young girl appears strange and out of place, but Tim shrugs her off. As intelligent audience members, we know that this strange girl will have all of the answers and help Tim defeat the Boogeyman once and for all.

Eventually, everybody around tim is slowly taken captive by the Boogeyman. His hot girlfriend falls prey, his uncle is Saran-wrapped to the point of suffocation and his lusting femal best friend almost bites the big one.

But with her help, and that of the strange little girl, of course, Tim defeats the Boogyeman by showing him he has no fear. End credits.

Is it safe to presume that everyone important in Tim’s life is dead, or do they come back to life after the Boogyeman’s demise? Can you imagine the anger that must be generated when $15 milion worth of people are suckerd into watching a putz get attacked by his wardrobe?

Normally, a filme like “Boogeyman” is easily shrugged off, but the fact that it was produced by Sam Raimi createes quite the head scratcher. You’d figure that after directing two of the most profitable movies of all time (“Spider-Man” and “Spider-Man2”), Raimi would be above a film like this.

For a cult director/producer, gaining financial freedom would be the reason to take on a huge studio production like the “Spider-man” franchise. With a few big moneymakers under your belt, you could persuade studios to fund your off-the-wall pictures.

An example includes director Richard Linklater, who emerges once in a awhile with a film like “Dazed and Confused” or “School of Rock,” but then disappears into the darkness, working on unique films like “Waking Life.”

I wish Raimi would use his newfound freedom to take some chances. Why not make some horror films that redefine the genre instead of bombarding us with loud violin shrieks and idiot characters who investigate strange noises that turn out to be shrieking cats? There is a place for a film like “Boogeyman” – it’s called straight to video.

On a side note, if you happen to be the individual who found it acceptable to bring a toddler to a local screening of “Boogeyman” last Friday evening, there are authorities who would gladly relieve you of this burden that you call “parenting.”

It looks like there is an audience for “Boogeyman” after all. And just like our main character, they’re just getting out of diapers.