For me, the 2003-04 academic year is the year of the lasts.

Seniors live on borrowed time. Every moment of whimsy, surprise, disappointment or comfort that I experience within 60115 this year is something to cherish.

Except one thing – registration.

Just the very mention of T.R.A.C.S. (which stands for Total Rip-off, Ass-backwards Coordination System) or WebConnect is enough to send me into epileptic seizures. The whole process is akin to Chucky movies. The first few times it was scary. Now, it is one big joke.

This year was no different. I was eligible to register at 7 a.m. Nov. 9. I woke early that morning as if I were opening Christmas gifts and watching Gwen Stefani appearing on “The Today Show” in a crop top. Instead, I got coal in my stocking and Glenn Close appearing on “The Early Show” in a crop top … with Tara Reid syndrome.

The system was down. You can’t really blame NIU, though. Who could have anticipated the system would be under great stress at the moment when undergraduates can first register? Well, besides the monumentally stupid …

After contemplating a transfer to the University of Illinois – if I could afford and get into it – I was able to register without further incident. However, many students weren’t so lucky for a variety of reasons that have nothing to do with full classes.

Conflicting schedule: Inexplicably, some departments schedule classes needed to graduate in the same time slots. This isn’t “CSI: New York” vs. “Law & Order.” These are people’s lives that are being affected. You can’t TiVo a class. Such a situation could force one to stay an additional semester, which would mean thousands of dollars down the drain.

Prerequisites: You know that whole debate about what came first: the chicken or the egg? Well, the course catalog would clear up any ambiguity there. PRQ for EGG 252: CHICK 100.

Long distance relationships: You need one class and it’s offered, but it’s in frickin’ Beloit. I understand the concept of satellite campuses, but they shouldn’t take priority. Oh – and if you actually were willing to sign up for one of these classes, I’m sure Victor E. Huskie would, on principle, drive by and shoot out your tires to make it even more difficult.

Frankly, I am amazed people have managed to graduate from NIU in fewer than 15 years. From my own experience, doing so requires a combination of extortion, begging and witchcraft – not necessarily in that order.

To be fair, it’s not all NIU’s fault. The school simply doesn’t have the money for more teachers to teach more classes. However, the school could do little things like make the registration systems work when it is supposed to and make every effort to create a schedule that requires as few hoops as possible.

So, while I’ll miss many things about NIU, I won’t shed a tear about the absence of T.R.A.C.S. in my life as I transition to the corporate world. I’m sure I will be screwed over by bureaucracy there as well, but at least I won’t be throwing down $6,000 for it.

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff.

Note: Tara Reid Syndrome is a reference to Tara Reid having one of her boobs unknowingly exposed, while she was posing for pictures on the red carpet at P. Diddy’s birthday party. Lesson? Never go to a P. Diddy party – because you will either be shot, forced to vote, exposed or remixed.