By the time you read this, America will know who its next president is – or not. As I write this, I have no way of knowing.

But deadlines being what they are, I had to turn something in. So to cover all eventualities, this week’s column is a “choose your own adventure” – you know, like those books we read as kids. All you have to do is start reading, then make decisions based on the election results as they come in, turning to the appropriately numbered paragraph:

1) It’s a beautiful November morning in Illinois. Over your morning coffee and the Northern Star, you turn on the news for election results. Do you: Find that George W. Bush was re-elected? Go to 6. John Kerry was elected? Go to 7. Several states are going through recounts/legal issues? Go to 11. Ralph Nader was elected? Go to 3.

2) At least you’ve still got Fox News. Go to 13.

3) You find that you are having a bizarre, drug-induced dream. You shouldn’t eat your roommate’s week-old pizza before bed. Do you: Wake up? Go to 1. No, really, Nader won! Go to 10.

4) Watch “Fahrenheit 9/11.” Again. You know you want to. Help is on the way. Go to 13.

5) What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? Answer: A good start. Enough fun; go back to 1.

6) Bush pulled out the re-election, despite an approval rating of less than 50 percent. This is truly a tribute to what fear-mongering can do – make people scared enough of terrorists and they’ll be afraid not to vote for you. Do you: Celebrate? Go to 12. Go to Canada – you voted Kerry? Go to 9.

7) Ain’t democracy great? What a country! Do you: Celebrate – you voted Kerry? Go to 4. Agonize – you voted Bush? Go to 2.

8) How can you tell the difference between roadkill skunk and roadkill lawyer? Answer: There are skid marks in front of the skunk. Do you: Check the news again? Go to 1. Tell another lawyer joke? Go to 5.

9) Brr, it’s cold, eh? But at least it’s “aboot” time for another beer. And if you get sick or injured, you actually have access to health care and affordable prescription drugs. Now if that damn NHL lockout would just end! Go to 13.

10) Seriously, man. Lay off the drugs. Go back to 1.

11) Here we go again. Even though pay-per-view television and ATMs have made us accustomed to instant gratification, remember that the important thing isn’t getting the results quickly, but getting them right. Now the wait begins. Do you: Wait patiently until tomorrow morning? Go to 1. Cuss out the lawyers who are now deciding the election? Go to 8.

12) Karl Rove is a genius. Whoopee. Go to 13.

13) Your president inherits a nation at war, in bad economic condition with dwindling respect in the world and one that is bitterly divided. It is not just his task, but also yours, to help heal that nation. Question and reconsider your own views. Listen to – don’t just shout down – people who disagree. Pay attention to your world. Get educated on the issues from a variety of sources. Record voting turnout shows that you care – that you’re involved. Stay involved – write letters to your representatives and newspapers. You only get to vote for president once every 1,470 days. But you have a voice in every one of them. Use it.

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff.