Warning: This is one of those ludicrously socially irresponsible columns you are probably better off not reading; much like the column I wrote advocating smoking because of the revenue it brings and how it stems overpopulation. Or that column I wrote stating friends don’t let friends vote Republican, where I encouraged people to hide their GOP friends’ car keys come Election Day. Or that time… well, you get the idea. I’m an awful, awful person.

It was utterly shocking. An idol hasn’t fallen this far since I saw Justin Guarini mopping up three-day-old market-fresh salads at Arby’s last Monday.

In case you missed it, Sammy Sosa bailed out on the Cubs season a couple of hours before his teammates did. Apparently, Sosa hopped out of the clubhouse a wee bit early and left during the seventh inning.

The only problem is, the last part isn’t true. The Cubs looked at videotape and discovered that Sosa left 15 minutes after the game began; not during the seventh inning, as he had told media outlets.

I guess we can add lying to the list of things of Sosa can’t do – along with bunting, peeing in cups and shortening his swing.

The most disappointing thing about this situation is not the fact that Sosa lied; it’s how poorly he executed the lie.

When did lying become a lost art?

It seems like it was yesterday that Bill Clinton was in office telling outrageous lies, each one bigger than the last and people still loved him. He respected the American public enough to defend his lies with such conviction he almost willed them to be true. When he said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” you couldn’t help but believe him. I mean, who would tell such a bold-face lie when all of the evidence was to the contrary?

No one anymore, which saddens me. Lying has become one of those cultural values that has eroded over time, like opening doors for women or going to church. People can’t even lie at a ninth-grade level anymore.

I was going to try to re-enact the plot of “Liar Liar” to show what would happen if I stopped lying. However, I just tried re-enacting “Supersize Me” and ended up bald and without a sex drive. And I wasn’t bald when I started the experiment.

So, instead, I came up with a few helpful tips when it comes to lying:

Never lie when there is a more than 75 percent chance you will get caught: This was Sosa’s mistake. Even if there were no security cameras, there was little chance he was going to get away with it. Getting caught lying hurts your credibility, which is all you really have in this world. After all, you are going to need it the next time you want to lie.

Practice: If you aren’t lying at least 10 times a day, you are doing yourself a disservice. I mean, if I go to the Rec three times a day to work out in order to keep physically sharp (nine more to go), it only makes sense to keep my dishonesty in good shape. They don’t have to be big lies. If someone asks you if you just went to the Holmes Student Center McDonald’s, tell them no, you just went to the West Lincoln Highway one.

Establish your lies well in advance: One of the main reasons people lie is to get out of doing stuff, but rarely do people have a viable excuse when asked to mow the lawn or cover a late-night meeting for their newspaper. I suggest buying a planner and writing in fake activities every day and night. That way you can refer back to your calendar in front of people, say, “Oh, I’m sorry. I have Yogalates tonight before my Southwest Asian study group” and you won’t look like you are making it up on the spot.

In the end, I believe it was O. Henry who said it best: “Lying is a virtue of the strong, while the weak tell the truth and suffer the consequences.” (Eight more to go.)

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily of the Northern Star staff.