It’s that time of year again: Students are beginning to panic about summer jobs, young women’s miniskirts are shortening as young men’s pants are tightening and lazy journalists have started resorting to cliche leads.

However, the most resounding reminder that it’s spring is the deadly, highly contagious outbreak of senioritis floating around campus. For those just crawling out from under their favorite rock, senioritis is when fourth-year students get lazier, more down and more tired as the year comes to an end. (Note: There have been many cases of sympathy senioritis.)

Fifty-page plagiarized term papers are turned in on napkins. Attending classes before noon is unthinkable. PowerPoint presentations are put together at the last minute with the aid of Jager bombs.

Unfortunately, there is no known cure for senioritis. I tried to get a Relay4Life event started to raise money for research, but ironically, everyone is too lazy to walk around the track.

Sufferers of senioritis may be a lost cause, but I have noticed other diseases spreading around campus like prairie fire. With the aid of a medical dictionary, here are some tips for curing the most prominent springtime diseases.

CBTS (Compulsive Bus-Taking Syndrome)

+Symptoms: The utilization of buses on a warm day even though you are only going from the Holmes Student Center to DuSable Hall.

+Cure: Have a friend take a baseball bat to your legs. For reasons I have yet to fathom, people with crutches get a free pass all the time. You, too, can be a cripple if you are willing to make sacrifices.

MPWS (Mark Prior Withdrawal Syndrome)

+Symptoms: Dry heaving while watching the waste of space that is Sergio Mitre give up runs. Constant checking of the newspaper for any sign of positive news.

+Cure: Do what a Cubs fan does best: Go to games, get drunk and don’t care about the result.

Herpes

+Symptoms: Fever, a burning sensation in the genitals, headache, lower back pain and vaginal or penile discharge.

+Cure: You are on your own there, brother, but I read somewhere that bathing in milk (like Cleopatra) will allow you to enjoy a certain sensual pleasure.

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff.

Incidentally, I think herpes has gotten a bad rap in the media. I mean, you can’t have an STD without the S. It’s kind of proof of purchase. I mean, I bet George Bush wishes that he had some type of unhealed gaping head wound or a gigantic forehead scar from his National Guard days to prove that he was there.

Maybe then he wouldn’t have felt so politically insecure that he had to hold a press conference on Tuesday night that completely disrupted “American Idol” and “24.” Personally, I would rather watch President Palmer than President Bush. If I were FOX, I would put up a phone number that allows viewers to recall Bush by text messaging 1-866-PRESI-09.

But I digress …