March is coming to an end, which means brackets are becoming busted, Sammy is recorking his bats and April flowers are about to beget May showers or something like that. It also is nearing that time of year when NIU students are preparing to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight once again, otherwise known as T.R.A.C.S. or C.R.A.P.

Each year I eagerly await the arrival of NIU’s fall schedule book in the mail like it was the next “Harry Potter” novel or my mail-order bride Megan. Like the Great Gatsby before me, I am an eternal optimist, and we all know how well that turned out for him.

So I literally gave it the old college try and scoured the schedule book to advise my devoted fan how he/she/it should fill next semester’s 15 hours. “13 Inches” always has office hours …

AHLS 312: HEMOSTASIS

What the catalogue says: Principles and investigative techniques of hemostasis. Examination of the chemical, biological and technical bases for clinical laboratory procedures and quality assurance strategies. Development of proficiency in hemostatic analysis assurance strategies. Development of proficiency in hemostatic analysis and data interpretation. Clinical specimens utilized in laboratory.

In actuality: How to maintain the salad bar at Ruby Tuesday’s.

KNPE 110: RELAXATION

What the catalogue says: Concepts and application of self-controlled muscular relaxation with emphasis on freedom from stress and anxiety.

In actuality: A complete guide to wasting your parents’ $6,000. I hear the final is really demanding. The good news is you can earn extra credit for all that sleeping during your foreign language lab time.

KNDN 353: ANAL & PEDA OF DANCE

What the catalogue says: Application of pedagogical knowledge and skills for teaching dance in a school and/or community.

In actuality: Anal and application, you do the math.

FCNS 152: FIBER & FABRIC

What the catalogue says: Study of basic textile fibers, yarns, fabric construction and finishes; their origin, processing and properties. Emphasis on textile terminology, selection and care.

In actuality: How to fold sweaters at the Gap.

HNGO 101: HANGOVER

What the catalogue says: Concepts and application of techniques to determine where you were the night before after a night of heavy drinking. Techniques include: asking whoever you wake up next to, looking at your hand stamp as if it were a backward tattoo from “Memento” or drinking more than you did the night before and retracing your steps. PRQ: Prairie Fire 200.

In actuality: I made it up.

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff. Incidentally, the Great Gatsby was killed in that book about the guy with the thing who didn’t know about the other thing from that place with the stuff. I think it was called “The Firm.”