Retired General Wesley Clark recently scored the biggest victory of the Democratic primary season. Iowa? Nope. New Hampshire? That’s next week. No, Clark’s victory was even more far-reaching in scope and impact.

He won the Madonna primary.

“I think he has a good handle on foreign policy, I think he’s good with people and I think he has a heart and a consciousness,” Madonna told CNN in an interview where she endorsed the fuzzy sweater-wearing military man. “He’s interested in spirituality — I mean, those things mean a lot to me.”

Bush campaign strategist Karl Rove reportedly was considering suicide upon this revelation, one sure to turn the race to the White House on its ears.

After all, this is the Madonna who always backs a winner. She dated Dennis Rodman and divorced Sean Penn in favor of Guy Ritchie. Her support also made huge hits out of “The Next Best Thing” and “Swept Away.” That she could find the time to call from London in her very authentic British accent and dabble in American politics bodes well for Clark.

In fact, we should just throw out our current system and allow celebrities to determine our president. Obviously, we are not smart enough, not rich enough and not photogenic enough for our opinions to matter. Thank God for celebrities.

We shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bath water. The electoral college easily can be adapted for this new and better “celebrocracy.”

Under my plan, each celebrity will be assigned a number of electoral votes based on his or her ignorance, arrogance and lack of political sway. Here are the key battleground celebrities for the 2004 election.

Michael Moore — 20 electoral votes for Clark. Every 100 pounds equals one electoral vote.

Charlton Heston — 20 electoral votes for President Bush. Every 100 years equals one electoral vote.

Clint Eastwood — 15 electoral votes for President Bush. He shouldn’t get any electoral votes, but he could beat the crap out of me. You have to respect that.

Britney Spears — 14 electoral votes for President Bush. One vote for every minute that she was married. Luckily, she got the annulment or Jason Alexander would have gotten seven of them in the divorce.

Michael Jackson — 10 electoral votes for the Rev. Al Sharpton. Never underestimate the NAMBLA voting block.

Paris Hilton — 7 electoral votes for Congressman Dennis Kucinich. Hilton wanted to endorse somebody she hadn’t had sex with yet. (Note: This endorsement came when Carol Mosley Braun was still in the race.)

Rob Reiner — 3 electoral votes for Governor Howard Dean. The name “Meathead” doesn’t exactly translate into instant credibility.

Ashton Kutcher — 3 electoral votes for Senator John Edwards. One vote for every minute left from his original 15.

Hopefully, this election won’t come down to the Supreme Court, but if it does, justices Judy, Wapner and Larry Joe (that guy from “Texas Justice”) are prepared to render an impartial verdict. God bless America and God bless celebrities.