Britney Spears’ wedding was big news over break, but what you didn’t hear is that there actually were two quickie pop star marriages that fateful night. That’s right, for a few fleeting moments, Christina Aguilera became Christina Feltes. For the first time, I break my silence and reveal the timeline of the events that took place on Jan. 3 in Las Vegas.

Midnight. After hours of debating whether a computer should determine the national championship, we become bored and have the following conversation. …

Me: “I’m bored.”

–

Christina: “Me too. Hey, I got an idea. Why don’t we get married as a joke?”

Me: “Christina, marriage isn’t a joke. A joke is, ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?'”

Christina: “I don’t get it.”

4 a.m. After hours of trying to explain the joke to Christina, I give up. We set off to obtain a marriage license and soon arrive at the county courthouse. Unfortunately, she is recognized by a young fan. …

Young boy: “Wow, is it really you?”

Christina: “Yes, it’s really me.”

Young boy: “Hey Dad, I told you it was that prostitute who stole your wallet!”

6 a.m. We finally make it to the Little White Wedding Chapel. Unfortunately, the black midget Elvis impersonator refuses to marry us until Christina changes out of her white dress because her wearing white would violate the integrity and sanctity of the process.

7:07 a.m. I officially am married to Christina Aguilera.

9:12 a.m. Christina discovers VH1’s “Britney vs. Christina” in progress and is captivated by the in-depth analysis that only a VH1 program can offer. She becomes enraged when some B-list comic says Britney has better elbows.

12:15 p.m. We learn that Britney also has eloped at the very same chapel and the media is all over it. This angers Christina even further. She breaks down crying and offers,”This is the Madonna thing all over again! I made out with her, too, but since she did it first, she gets all the attention! This is so typical.” She then storms out.

6:15 p.m. I finally find her. It turns out that in an effort to outdo Britney, she has taken a convenience store clerk hostage in Reno. She is heard to say over a megaphone, “Let’s see the skank top this.”

9:30 p.m. The police finally get her out after three hours of blasting her own music into the store. In an unrelated story, several residents of Reno plead with God to make them deaf.

10:01 p.m. As we make our way back to the hotel, we hear over the radio that “the skank” apparently has topped “this.” Britney has taken an entire church congregation hostage, with three people already dead and several more wounded.

11:27 p.m. I begin thinking this wasn’t a very good idea.

11:59 p.m. I find out that we were never really married in the first place. Apparently, Christina married a wealthy sheik the day before and never told me. I begin to wonder what Avril Lavigne is up to. Will I ever learn?