Author’s Note: In the spirit of “Shattered Glass,” I constructed this review from various reports in the media without actually having seen the video.

I saw London. I saw France. I saw Paris Hilton without her underpants.

Rick Solomon’s lackluster directorial debut is yet another tired entry into the celebrities-stupid-enough-to-let-themselves-be-taped genre.

“The Paris Hilton Sex Tape” is one-half voyeuristic thriller, one-half documentary that stars Paris Hilton (as herself) and Solomon (as himself). The plot, for all intents and purposes, is indescribable. Even if I could relay the story, I wouldn’t want to because one of the movie’s few strengths is its twists and turns.

Paris Hilton delivers a relatively uninspired performance. She often looks bored and disinterested and, at one point, she even takes a cell phone call during a pivotal scene. This does not exactly scream professionalism, nor do her fake screams. This does not bode well for her next project, FOX’s “The Simple Life,” although she should look more comfortable in front of the camera thanks to her experience here.

Solomon fares somewhat better. He throws himself into the role fearlessly, and you can tell he is genuinely having fun with his part, which is often missing in the performances of more experienced actors in higher-profile studio films.

Maybe he had a little too much fun on the shoot, because the direction is considerably lacking. He shoots the film in a style similar to “The Blair Witch Project,” which proves alternately distracting and nauseating. It’s often hard to understand exactly what we are seeing on screen.

He compounds that error by showing us too much nudity and sex when it would be better left to the imagination. He should have learned from a movie like “Jaws,” where the suspense builds and builds until we get the big reveal.

Another of the film’s problems is its score, or lack thereof. I’m all in favor of a soundtrack being almost unnoticeable, much like good service in a restaurant or your car engine working. However, here, the score is downright nonexistent. It’s a shame, too. The investment should have been made to bring in someone like John Williams or Hans Zimmmer who could come up with an epic love theme to evoke emotion and compliment the action without overpowering it.

The film really suffers in comparison to other films in its genre where the trailblazing “Pamela and Tommy Lee Sex Video” still remains the standard. It lacks the special effects and spark of its forebearers.

The film’s running time clocks in at a mercifully brief three minutes. The MPAA has yet to issue a rating to the film, but it likely will be PG-13 for its crime against humanity range.

Thankfully, there will be no sequel to this trite and unfulfilling film. Hilton and Solomon have sparred in the media, and it’s unlikely they ever will team up in a project like this one ever again.

“The Paris Hilton Sex Tape” is a remarkably emotionless and tired meditation on love and relationships. It’s not worth the DVD I burned it on.