Those menacing orange bugs are everywhere!

Even if there is a window screen, the multicolored Asian lady beetles find a way in. If they’re this smart, why haven’t they figured out humans are a threat and started fearing and avoiding us?

These questions go unanswered for one reason: The beetles never existed; it’s just a mass hallucination caused by the increased amounts of radon in the drinking water.

Think about it. What other bug goes out of its way to land on our faces? Or seems eager to get smashed on our freshly-painted walls, leaving behind its innards and a stench of warm nuts in its wake?

Much like that “Cowboy Bebop” movie where people exposed to poisonous gas saw golden butterflies, or the drunkard thinking he saw pink elephants, is our affliction with these orange beetles. The problem lies in our water source.

As the EPA states at www.epa.gov, “Radon is a naturally occurring radioactive gas. …” One can only assume that, before dying of cancer, it can cause a wide array of bizarre side effects, including Asian beetle hallucinations.

These radon-induced hallucinations are so severe that the mind makes us believe the bugs really are crawling on our skin!

Perhaps the blame cannot be directed toward the United States or our pitifully low water-safety standards. Maybe, as the name suggests, our beef is with Asia.

This could be their subversive way of trying to prove their supremacy in the bug world through mind-expanding hallucinations of the insect form, much like the way they proved their supremacy in making cost-effective vehicles.

Never have I come across such an inconsiderate bug. Sure, bees come near the face and do that funky side-to-side dance. But, usually, no real tactile contact is made.

Why not blame a place that’s more tropical than Asia, seeing as these things first popped up right after Sept. 11? Why not call them

“Bin Laden” bugs?

It’s all about marketing and getting people riled up about destroying these imaginary bugs. Start a national bug-whacking day, like on that episode of “The Simpsons.”

Unite America against yet another imaginary foe — the dangerous, the orange, the hallucinatory “Bin Laden” bug. The ugly cousin of America’s beautiful, red, majestic ladybug — the true symbol of freedom in the new millennium.

Areas with increased risk of hallucinations:

-Behind Cole Hall: High

-Behind Davis Hall: Medium

-East Lagoon: High