This past Sunday night, I was in front of a large crowd, blindfolded and holding my prickly thing in my hands. Unfortunately, it wasn’t my usual post-“Alias” orgy. It was the announcement of Homecoming king and queen.

In case you didn’t know (and from the looks of the voting results, you didn‘t), I was on the ballot for Homecoming king. The results were revealed at the talent show. Each member of the court was led onto the stage wearing a blindfold that bore a striking resemblance to the ones worn by those attempting to kill The Bride.

A rose was placed in the hands of each candidate. A white rose signified defeat and a red rose meant triumph. When it was all over, Isaak Lerner (a cool guy) and Gina Marie Jones (a cooler girl) were our king and queen.

It’s a shame, too. The Greg Feltes regime (oops, I meant reign … sure I did) would have been one for the record books — a time of unprecedented growth and prosperity for Northern Illinois University. Up would be down. Down would be up. Altgeld Hall would open, and Grant Towers would be renovated. There would be people to do and things to see.

Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. Who knew you had to be popular to win, you know, a popularity contest? Still, it’s an honor to represent NIU on the Homecoming court, even though the events I’m required to attend are a decidedly mixed bag. I‘d much rather “Refrain from Migraine” than “Yell like Hell,” but I get to be in a freaking parade. My hope is that there aren’t any DeKalb book depositories or grassy knolls around the parade route.

I would suggest to Lerner that we pull a J.B. and K.G. and lead as Two Kings, but it‘s not going to happen. So I was left with a white rose in my palm, a metaphorical knife through my heart and a list of decrees never to be enacted. While I can’t do anything about my first two conditions (unless I utilize time travel, but I don’t want to chance causing a tear in the space-time continuum over a crown unless a scepter is involved). Here are some of my decrees that never will see the light of day.

– I decree that NIU is a big enough media market to support two football teams. This new expansion team’s name will be the NIU Sex Monkeys.

– I decree that people named Dan are banned from referring to themselves as “the man.”

– I decree Dido as NIU’s official musician and that all available resources will be put toward obtaining strands of Dido’s hair so we can clone our own Dido.

– I decree that I don’t care how wild and unpredictable Kit is, I still am not watching ESPN2’s “Cold Pizza.”

– I decree that fantasizing about the Olsen Twins is just plain wrong, regardless of their age.

– I decree “Office Space” as the funniest movie of all time, pending the release of “Weekend at Bernie’s 3.”

– I decree that we should send the multicolored Asian lady beetles back to Europe — where they belong.