What happens when you combine “Cape Fear” and “Fatal Attraction,” then strip away all the intelligence from the characters?

You get “Cold Creek Manor,” a confused, idiotic film from director Mike Figgis (“Leaving Las Vegas”).

This movie is so bad, so flawed, it’s hard to find anything positive to say about it. Its complete absurdity almost makes it entertaining — stress the almost.

Imagine the Bowdens inviting psychopath Max Cady to work in their home in “Cape Fear.” In “Cold Creek Manor,” Cooper and Leah Tilson are confronted by a parolee who used to own their home. When he asks for a job, the Tilsons give him one as a pool cleaner. Absurd, right? But hey, they “feel bad.”

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Talk about liberal guilt — that’s what Mike Figgis is trying to comment on. Actually, I doubt Figgis has much to say about anything, especially after sitting through two hours of this sloppy mess.

His film is completely disorganized. It hops from conflict to conflict without building any suspense or providing any pay-offs. We get subplots about local whores (Juliette Lewis — shocker, right?) and their sisters, suggested attempts at infidelity and even a strange psychological attachment between living and dead children. I know what you’re thinking — without backstory, this makes no sense. I can tell you that even with two-plus hours of backstory, I’m just as confused, if not more.

Did Leah really cheat on her husband? Did Cooper really run over his daughter’s horse and expect to hide the massive carcass in the family swimming pool? Did Cooper also punch his wife in the face only to have her apologize to him for not believing his idiotic theories?

Believe it — that last moment actually occurred. In fact, women are punched in the face multiple times throughout this movie with no consequences whatsoever to the perpetrators. Maybe if Cooper showed more eroticism and compassion to his wife than his Jeep Cherokee, he wouldn’t be so — umm, frustrated. For example:

Cooper discovers his wife has been thrown down a well. So he rescues her while she screams, all the while telling her, “Hey, don’t worry about it.” Seconds later, he stumbles upon his Jeep Cherokee that’s been set ablaze and he screams, “You son of a bitch!” It’s obvious where the priorities are in this relationship.

Perhaps this is being picky, but in a film so awful, it’s hard not to. There’s nothing wrong with writer Richard Jefferies not being able to write for a woman character, but he should be ashamed for trying. “Cold Creek Manor” is just another embarrassment to add to the short list of flops he’s contributed to (“Man of the House”).

The script is so bad that the Jeep Cherokee is the best character in the movie. On the Jeep Web site, they claim “the pinnacle of our storied success is the extraordinary things Grand Cherokee drivers do in their Jeep vehicles. What can we say? They’re like-minded, dirty-minded folks.”

The Jeep Cherokee heavily featured in “Cold Creek Manor” is no different. What other vehicle can escape a maniac in a truck, drive safely away after colliding with a deer and pull off flying, 180-degree turns — all while the driver is horribly inebriated?

I’m sure that DaimlerChrysler is extremely against its drivers getting drunk behind the wheel. Too bad we can’t say the same for the movie.

Shameless product placement, terrible acting, horrible direction and just plain simpleton writing make “Cold Creek Manor” one of the worst films in years.