“Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star” is a quiet comedy, meaning that the theater will be full of quiet audience members, not sure whether they should be laughing or leaving. David Spade, the film’s star, has made plenty of these films; “Dickie Roberts” is no exception.

There’s hardly a chuckle until Spade spends a few moments crashing into various objects with a bicycle. Sure, it sounds ridiculous, but it’s actually funny. The more I think about it, I’d rather watch two hours of Spade riding a bike into traffic than a few moments of “Dickie Roberts.”

Before this review becomes too bitter, I’ll tell you that I had very high hopes for this film.

Like many Americans, I was once a fan of child stars. As a kid, you could find me curled up in a cabinet like Webster or tacking up a Corey Feldman poster or two in my room. When I heard that David Spade was playing one of these fallen gods, I thought this might be his breakout film.

In many ways, Spade is like all of the Feldmans or Haims. He has felt the rushing wave of success from his stints on SNL and his film work with Chris Farley. But after Farley’s death, Spade’s career tanked. He looks as if some of him died with Farley; Spade looks tired, beaten, and fed up.

Now, instead of taking a funny, not-so-serious route with this character, co-writers Spade and Fred Wolf shove way too many Kodak moments in the audience’s face. How can they expect to be taken seriously, especially considering the film’s opening of Spade taking a beating from Webster?

The result is a sad mix of pathetic, terribly-executed cameo appearances by past child greats and a hour and a half of half-assed attempts at laughs, torn straight out of a cheesy television sitcom. I found myself fidgeting in my chair, desperately wanting this movie to end.

Now about the plot. Dickie Roberts, a child star of the past, wants to be back on top again, and he’ll do anything to get there. So, when director Rob Reiner (yes, Rob Reiner playing himself) tells him that he didn’t have the necessary, “normal” childhood to play a part in his film, Dickie decides that he needs to find the perfect middle-class, white family to teach him the basics of growing up. I wonder why Reiner would ever even converse with such an individual, but then again, a little movie called “North” keeps popping up in my head. Makes sense now.

People may tell you to see this film for the cameos from the past child greats – don’t bother. Filmmakers can’t just plop a bunch of recognizable faces at a table and expect laughs.

I hope this isn’t the end for David Spade; he’s got a lot of talent that’s being wasted. For now, your best bet is to avoid all of his future projects – at least until he finds a new best friend.