Students, professors, DeKalbians: Put down your beer bongs for just one second and listen.

As if you couldn’t tell already, the Weekender is looking a bit different this semester. For the sake of clarity, obviousness and general filler, let me point out a few of our stellar tweaks.

1) Sexy redesign: Our swell design staff has been working overtime on a state-of-the-art new layout.

2) Feltes: Greg is writing a weekly column for us this semester. His first column is about Togalism. Confused? Read on.

3) Sex, sex and more sex: Starting next week, turn to the back and read our dripping-wet sex advice columns. Dr. Love and Lady Leo are in the house.

4) NIU review: Also next week, one lucky reporter will grade an NIU- or DeKalb-related item. To quote Orgazmo: “You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.”

5) The Wild Weekender Prize Bonanza. Despite the prizes offered, not a single person wrote to its predecessors last semester with advice, comments or questions. This presents a problem. How am I supposed to run a publication without a myriad of brown-nosers?

I can’t. I won’t. That said, we are bribing you into sending us something, sometime, somewhere. So write us and grab a free piece of Weekender memorabilia. You can thank Jerry O’Connell later.

This is the Weekender signing off for the first time. Peace.