Hello and welcome to 13 inches with Greg Feltes. I wanted to call it Greg Feltes’ 13 inches, but my editors rejected that because they thought it was inappropriate and, more importantly, ridiculously inaccurate. And thus this monstrosity was born …

Toga parties are the best thing about college. They are sexy, hot, wild and fun. Then you actually go to one and the sheet hits the fan. Toga parties are one of those things, like Dean 2004 and moon whores, that look good on paper but fail miserably in their execution.

It’s easy to see why toga parties have wide appeal. It’s a chance to see parts of the opposite sex that one normally wouldn’t see – sexy parts like shoulder blades and armpits. Forgive my cynicism, but I can put on a pillow case and drink 12 Mike’s Hard Lemonades in the comfort of my own home and call it a toga party. That is if I wanted to. I would never do such a thing. Never.

This is not to say that toga parties are unredeemable. With a little liquor and a botched tie job, they provide probably the only chance I will ever get at seeing the female breast in all its glory. So in the interest of public good, my erogenous zones and for the furthering of higher education, here are some new tenets of Togalism.

1. TOGA uniformity. There seems to be some question of what constitutes a toga. Let’s keep this simple: solid colored sheets firmly tied around a clean body constitute a toga. A sock on one’s genitals does not. You know who you are. You are scary and unpleasant. Inappropriate sheet selection is also a problem. While it is not nearly as bad as the sock “puppet” phenomenon, there are sometimes those who show up in sheets bearing Spiderman, Batman and most disturbingly, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. Trix are for kids, and so are these sheets. Finally, there are those who show up wearing regular clothes. Note to them: it’s not called a “I am a lazy jerk who thinks I am better than everyone else” party. May I suggest a motto? “No Shirt? No Shoes? Perfect.”

2. Institute a Girl To Guy Ratio. If you have ever been to a toga party, you no doubt have noticed that guys far outnumber girls. The reasoning behind this is pretty simple: guys will go because they are moronic horn dogs who will actually dress up in stupid sheets for the chance to catch even a small glimpse of a half -naked female. Girls, on the other hand, will go because they want to catch a small glimpse of moronic half-naked horn dogs in stupid sheets and laugh at them. Unfortunately, the former greatly outnumbers the latter. I suggest that we leave the sausage festivals to Milwaukee and do something about this problem. In an ideal world, the girl to guy ratio would be 40:1 with the one guy being me. Unfortunately, this isn’t an ideal world. It’s my understanding that the earth is composed of 51 percent females and 49 percent males, so let’s go with that ratio. And park an offensive lineman at the door to enforce it.

3. Invite Me. True, this probably won’t improve your party. In fact, I guarantee it will hurt the quality of the party. I just want to see boobies.