Weekender critic retracts review, likes movie

In an unprecedented turn of events, Weekender reporter Casey Toner announced the retraction of his review of the film “Darkness Falls.” Toner announced the news at a press conference on Wednesday to a room full of shocked reporters.

“After further reviewing the film, I feel that my zero star review was unwarranted,” Toner said, appearing somber. “I’ve just been too anal about films; I’m looking at my whole archive, and man, am I harsh!”

“Harsh” just may be the understatement of the century. All semester Toner has been known for his blatant stabs at movies. The press room was full of gasps as reporters’ jaws dropped to the floor. Toner seemed to acknowledge that the recent good weather has been a factor in his enlightenment.

“These past few days I’ve said to myself, ‘man, life is good, and so are the movies,'” Toner said with a smile. “I can’t wait to see ‘Kangaroo Jack’ again this weekend, I bet I totally goofed that one up.”

Northern Star Copy Desk Chief Jaime Swanson was delighted to hear the news.

“I’ve just gotten so tired of his pessimism,” Swanson said. “He’s ruined so many movies for me. Hopefully that all changes now. I’m extremely happy for him and the NIU community.”

No-fly zone granted over Holmes Student Center

NIU received shocking news Wednesday when officials were notified that the air space surrounding the Holmes Student Center had been designated a no-fly zone.

“Yeah, we never even asked for it,” said an unnamed NIU official. “I’m just glad that the federal government seems to care about protecting the people and understands that DeKalb really matters.”

The news brought even more tension to the Chicago Loop and, in particular, Mayor Daley, who had great difficulties receiving a no-fly zone over Chicago.

“Are you kidding me?” the mayor screamed upon hearing the news. “First Mickey Mouse, then this. It’s gonna be another long night, if you know what I mean.”

After the recent overnight demolition of Meigs Field, people all over the city are wondering what the mayor will do next.

“This is going to push him over the edge, he obviously won’t stop at Meigs,” said Matt Eskew, a Loop resident. “Hopefully he tears up the new Soldier Field, that thing sucks.”

The mayor refused to say what is on his agenda of late-night demolitions.

“I won’t say what’s next to go or what isn’t,” Daley said. “But I will take Soldier Field into consideration, that one was my bad.”

Chung wins bid for embedded NTC reporter

In a tight race between recently fired broadcasters, ex-CNN personality Connie Chung was hired by Northern Television Center to cover the ongoing war in Iraq.

“It’s an unbelievable feeling,” said Chung upon hearing the news. “Just when life looks like it couldn’t get any worse, this happens. It truly is an honor to serve NTC.”

Chung was among three candidates for the position, which has remained vacant since the war began.

“It was a tough choice between her and Donahue,” said NTC general broadcast manager Allen May.

Phil Donahue recently was fired from the cable network MSNBC and was desperate to get the NTC job.

“It’s the most coveted job in all of broadcasting, what can I say? I’m devastated,” Donahue said.