As finals near, many of us are frantically preparing for a series of doomsdays. Some might call it finals week and others might call it time to pass this class finally. Well, look at it this way, at least there won’t be any paper evidence of your grades this semester. I just hope my parents don’t find out they’re online. Now, everybody has their version of study tips, and I just wanted to add my own for those who still might be looking for some extra tips. Without further ado, I bring you the study tips.

1. Remember to be late for the final. For some of those finals, you are herded in like sheep and there is nowhere to stand or even breathe. Believe me, the professor took some time to write the final and they are going to want you to take the final. This way, you can catch the last couple minutes of “The Osbournes,” or possibly finish reading the latest issue of The Economist.

2. Don’t ever bring a pencil to your finals. This is a great time to gather school supplies for your next semester, because if you have been reading this far, you probably have at least one more left. I prefer the BIC pencils with size .7 mm lead, always mechanical. If you have to get up to sharpen the pencil, that probably will annoy some of the professors.

3. If you find yourself in a bind with some leftover time during your final – well, OK, if you have no clue what the questions are asking, but you don’t want to be the first one to leave – then start drawing. You have two choices here – either the Scantron drawings or the actual test itself. The problems with Scantron drawings are you have very limited structure for your design. However, if you can make a design successfully, you really have talent. Moreover, with the actual test your possibilities are limitless. I usually like to draw other classmates with big ears, or elephants. Like I said, your options are limitless, and with the BIC .7 mm pencil, it makes the shading so much easier.

4. Bathroom breaks are a must. Usually I bring a sack lunch and a couple cigars/cigarettes because I like to take my time. You don’t want to rush the bathroom break. You were studying all night and finally started to understand bond valuation and futures. Well, at least that’s what you told your parents. You were under the impression that the Friday before was Reading Day, and it seemed like it at every bar you were at. Back to the bathroom break. The key to coming back from the bathroom break is sprinkling a little water on your face usually after you stood outside a couple minutes to make the redness in your cheeks come out a little more. When the professor asks where you have been, just insist that you kept on pushing and pushing, but if they don’t let you sit down, you might as well run back to the bathroom and drench your shirt a little. Your story might not have been as believable the first time, but this time it has to work.

5. Many say brain food is essential for test taking. I totally agree with this point. My recommendation for brain food is about four Butterfingers, two cans of Mountain Dew, Swedish fish and grapes. Lots of people ask about the grapes, but you need something small enough to throw for distance that is invisible to others. I prefer the green grapes, but, hey, sometimes you have to go with what’s on sale. Whatever you do, don’t freeze the grapes the night before. This is not fair to the other grape throwers who are using unfrozen grapes.

In conclusion, finals have the ability to make a person become stressed out. The real key to taking finals though is – well, there is no key to taking finals – that is why they are called finals. If they were called “the last easy test before graduation,” you might feel better, right? However, if you call it a final, it seems so pronounced and intimidating. Well, the only thing you can do is prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. More than likely you’ll do fine. However, if you ever get stuck in a rut, I have a question you might enjoy, “What’s another word for thesaurus?” (Steven Wright). Good luck on your finals, but, hey, you probably don’t need it.