“SpongeBob Squarepants” is a cable-network monster, an oddity in trousers that has clawed deep into Nielsen ratings, stomping on smaller, weaker cartoons along the way.

Kids across America wear SpongeBob T-shirts buy SpongeBob hats and brush with SpongeBob toothbrushes. Some even wipe with SpongeBob toilet paper.

Why didn’t Nickelodeon’s “Salute Your Shorts” endure a similar phenomenon?

First, no self-respecting kid would wipe with Donkey Lips toilet paper. Where I come from (the hood), you’d get beaten up for such an act.

Right now, you might be wondering, “What exactly is ‘Salute your Shorts?'” This show defined a generation of magnificent Nickelodeon programming designed strictly with the children’s demographic in mind. For further reference, check out “Are You Afraid Of The Dark?,” “Double Dare,” “Wild And Crazy Kids” and “Hey Dude.”

“Salute Your Shorts” was set in a summer camp, Camp Aniwana (we hold you in our hearts) to be exact. Camp Aniwana was a magical place, a sanctuary where kids spent their summers.

Of the many camps I’ve attended, not one resembled Camp Aniwana. This, like the greater DeKalb metropolis, was a complete disappointment.

I expected camp, like college, to be filled with reckless abandon. Rock ‘n’ roll, leather jackets, fast cars, panty raids, bug bites and wild sex. Man, I expected “Meatballs 4” with Corey Feldman.

During the first week of camp, I hoped to befriend Budnick, the red-haired con-artist and Donkey Lips, the blubbering big guy without a backbone. I would have been happy meeting just Donkey Lips. Sadly, this was never meant to be.

Unlike “Salute Your Shorts,” creepy old men like Ugh never worked at my camp, either. People like Ugh aren’t allowed near children anyway. My camp counselors weren’t embarrassing or eccentric, they were bored college kids seeking money for beer.

My biggest “Salute Your Shorts” illusion was the promise of wild adventure. Our wild adventure consisted of playing red rover for an extra 10 minutes and learning about maple leaves. Whoo!

Budnick, on the other hand, scared the bejesus out of the crew with his Zeke The Plumber story on the Halloween episode. Consequently, this hurt Budnick later on when the gang pranked him into crying like a whiney baby. Ha ha ha. Stupid Budnick.

This summer, I’m planning on counseling for the park district. Perhaps counseling will offer a greater insight into the “Salute Your Shorts” world. Plus, I need beer. And maybe, just maybe, I can force my little campers into calling me Ugh.